Astronomy Mishaps

Two nights ago, I had the notion that Mars would be the brightest ever in years, and never so bright again for hundreds of years. I had recieved an email about it and heard a few of my friends discussing it. I told my suitemate Candice about it, and she was super-excited to go watch. I sent her out at midnight with a friend to look for it. She called a few moments later.

There was nothing to see. They had gazed from all over campus, and all they had seen was typical starlight.

I decided to look it up online from my room, and the information I found was ironically startling. The true date of the planet's brilliance had been August 2003! I felt ridiculously gullible but laughed a cleansing chuckle and appologized for wasting Candice's valuable time.

Today, however, at 5 a.m., there was another event in the heavens -- a lunar eclipse. I sat on the curb in front of my dorm, talking to my best guy friend Corey, and watching as the moon slowly disappeared.

When I was thinking about it later during classes, it reminded me of an old song that I feel all to closely relates to my life. I haven't decided if it relates to now, or in the recent past. Or maybe, it relates to my near future. But it definitely speaks to me about myself.

"Every now and then I get a little bit lonely... I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears ...I get a little bit restless, and I dream of something wild ...I get a little bit helpless, and I'm lying like a child in your arms ...Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time. I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark. We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks. ...Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm only falling apart. There's nothing I can do. ...Once upon a time there was light in my life, but now there's only love in the dark. Nothing I can say. A total eclipse of the heart. " - Bonnie Tyler, "Total Eclipse of the Heart"

Relationships for the past two years have made me feel as if we were just gunpowder waiting to explode. Since I rid myself of them this summer, my mind has been far from relationships while I've been in school these past couple weeks. It's like I've flipped a switch and turned off my heart, so instead my mind could rapidly use the stored energy. I trust God in the darkness, in the singleness, but I'm carefully reassuring that there aren't any lightswitches I'm responsible for flipping back on.

Meeting

As I come to the service, an awkward guilt sits in the distance formed between us.
To avoid being disappointedly expectant, I hide hopes that the sancuary's warmth
Will shatter the ice crystals hanging.
Coming down the aisle, you lead me to a seat.
Anticipation starts rising
As more people start coming
And crowd within this building.
The back doors are closing,
Separating us from Earth,
And absorbing us into better world.


The first guitar strum brings our anticipation to a peak,
Converting it into adrenaline as we stand peering
On the edge of the connection
For which we've both been waiting
And longing
And thirsting.

I sing and my soul is set free.
I breathe.
I breathe a breath
That seems my first successful breath
In decades.

I see your hand reaching
And welcoming
And beckoning.
How long has it stayed there,
Unnoticed?
How much gentle touch...
How much precious time
Have I missed?
I raise my hand.
Our fingers intertwine.
I sense I'm holding your hand,
But you're really holding mine.
My hand is consumed with the unnatural size.
Here,
Right here,
In the gap
Between our palms,
You feel so real.
So unbelievably real.


I had forgotten that you were.

On Waiting Quietly and Being Vulnerable

Here I'll pick up my summary of the book First Samuel, starting back in chapter 3. A boy's mother had dedicated his life to God, though little Samuel was probably too young to understand his call and purpose. Still, his heart was ready to serve at a young age.

One night, Samuel heard a voice awakening him from his sleep and supposed that it was Eli, the high priest with whom he was living. Samuel showed submission to Eli, simply saying "Here I am"(vs. 4, 16 NIV). Eli, however, hadn't said a word to Samuel, so he wisely pointed Samuel to God, thinking it was God's voice who had spoken. When Samuel heard the voice again, he transferred his practiced submission to the Lord with innocence so powerful and the same easy words, "Here I am." When he was convinced that it was Almighty God speaking, Samuel added, "Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening" (vs. 9 NIV).

I long for this same submissiveness and humility in every beat of my heart. I desire the wisdom that Eli shared at the end, though it seems so common sense: "It is the LORD; let Him do what seems good to Him" (vs. 18 NASB). Like Samuel, my heart is more vulnerable when when I am sleepy. At my most exhausted moments, I write and think most uninhibitedly. I have particularly open communication with God just as my head hits the pillow at night, and especially just as my eyes breach open in the morning. Since childhood, I pray about the day before I get out of bed, even if only a breath-long prayer.

This morning, my Bible fell open onto the cafeteria table showing my yellow highlights over Lamentations 3:22-26. I was surprised, as always, at the Lord's small applications, even within the two words "Every morning" and how this passage related to my thoughts of Samuel's openness of communication with the invisible, invincible Yaweh.
"Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."

May the time that my heart is open at the beginning and end of each day stretch to fill every hour.

Positively Positive

In my public speech class, we are learning that in order to remain calm when we are nervous, we are supposed to let positive thoughts fill our minds and push out the negative ones. The books goes even further to say that the ratio should be five positive thoughts for every single negative thought.

I have been an optimist for my entire life. I've been reading William Blake's Songs of Innocence and Songs of Experience which portrays that most children are optimistic, but prolonged difficult circumstances make us hardened to positivity. Tough times have failed to change my mindset for anything but the better. Hard work at Elevation this summer simply enhanced my optimism, mainly because I saw the outcome of optimism. I firmly believe that optimism versus pessimism is all about perspective and attitude.

I have a book called 14,000 Things to Be Happy About, which is simply a lengthy list of nouns covering about 600 pages.
Ex:
no expiration date
Shirley Temple
beach lunches
a caring doctor
serendipitous plans

It seems cheesy at first; however, I am currently finding use in it. I am auditioning for BSU Fusion praise band in 20 minutes. I need five-times the amount of negative thoughts to be turned into positive ones in order to kill the nervous jitters. 14,000 things just might suffice.

Snakes, Snails, and Puppy-Dog Tails

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to take care of little boys, to watch them be rough and tough, then bandage their cuts and kiss their bruises. I simply have compassion and understanding for male children more than females. I love little girls as well, but there is some other, deeper passion within me to be involved in the lives of little boys and to help them grow into godly men. I know it is an odd concept, but I did not create this desire, so the Creator must have placed it within me.

The weirdest thing is not knowing the future. I don't know what God's future plans are for me family-wise. I don't know whom I will marry... and if I marry, then what? Adoption? Foster-parenting? Running a children's home? Kids of my own? If so, how many? But something is sure -- The Father has a purpose for even my tiny hopes.

Many times I have prayed for the Lord to give me at least one boy if He blesses me and my future husband with children. I had never heard anyone else pray for the sex of their baby long before it was even conceived until I read about Hannah in 1 Samuel 1. (I'll be blogging about this book for a while.)This passionate lady begged the Lord so intently that the priest thought she was drunk! (vs. 13). I loved the verse which read "I was pouring out my soul to the Lord" (vs. 15). It's so easy to relate.Bravely, Hannah promised the Lord that if only He would give her a son, she would willingly dedicate the child's entire life to the Lord's service. (vs. 11).
God granted Hannah the son for whom she had begged . She named him "Samuel", which even meant something like "I asked the Lord for him" (vs. 20). She not only was brave and persistent, but she also had a heart-load of wisdom. She knew that Jehovah deserved the credit for everything good, and that anything He gave to her needs to be given right back to His service.

I often ask "Who am I to be so picky and want a boy? Why do I ask years in advance?!" Hannah made me realize that many great women are earnest, sincere, and sometimes fiery. What an amazing woman and dedicated mother. I want to be that dedicated and willing to push my children in the ways of Christ. Hannah said, "The Lord is a God who knows!" (2:3) God knows us and recognizes our unique --sometimes odd --preferences. May my heart be as Hannah's.

New and.... Expected?

"I am making everything new!... Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."
Revelation 21:5

School is BACK! New black ink pens, smooth notebook paper, wiry notebooks and paper clips, funny professors, roomates, and even new dorm decor! I am such a geek!... And proud of it.

Yesterday began my first full week of classes, but only the third week that I’ve been back in SC. With all the transitions, it has been difficult to keep my blog in mind, but the themes God keeps highlighting in my life.

Just before school began, I had minor plastic surgery to slightly straighten my nose. Watching it heal, I realized that very little had changed physically, yet it made a great difference in my facial features.

In the same way, I was so excited about starting this semester because I knew it would be amazing. When I arrived on campus, not very many things had been drastically changed, but still, it made a noticible transformation.

As I contemplated the impact of small alterations, I realized that God works similarly. Sometimes believers make drastic changes in lifestyle, and social areas in order to follow God’s will, such as leaving a secure career to plant a church in another city. Sometimes these faith-trying, earth-shaking changes are necessary to complete the Savior’s willful commands.

It seemed like my life was unique and cliche, yet obvious and unexpected. This may sound like a double oxymoron, but sometimes God just makes the expected explode so enormously that, though it was expected, the extent of it was not!
But often, the change God has in mind is not as elaborate as we expect, yet still better than we ever could have imagined for ourselves.

I've Always Loved Surprises!

It has been a very long, very exhausting day. With moving into my dorm and standing in lines for keys and student IDs, etc. and ofcourse, the same emotional back-of-my-mind struggles I've been trying to overcome for three weeks, my body, mind, soul, and spirit were just praying to stick together for another 24 hours.

And then, a surprise.

NGU hosted Steve Fee in concert tonight.

(For those of you who don't know, over the summer I have come to love Steve Fee's worship music.)

Don't you love it when God surprises you?

Blessed Momentum

For the past two and a half months, I have woken up at 4am every Sunday, driven over half an hour to church, and worked from the time we set up until the time we tore down around two or three that afternoon.

This morning, I woke up at eight o'clock, had spare time to get ready, drove five minutes to church, said hello to the people I hadn't seen in a while, sat in a padded seat for an hour, then drove five minutes back home, in time for lunch.

It seemed like disillusionment. My perspective of the Church had changed so much over the summer that it was difficult to envision what it was like before the revolution. And I didn't want to think about my previous views. I wanted to take what I had learned from Elevation and apply it to every possible area of my life. I took a page of notes from the pastor's sermon this morning, but I took just as many notes on the thoughts running through my mind on how the church in which I sat could be improved. Call it critical, or call it constructive. Either way, my mind is bustling with energetic ideas and new found willingness to make better and accomplish whatever Christ sets before me, and I will take ultimate advantage of that blessed momentum.

Just like I told a friend today online, "Life is SUPPOSED to get better and better as we grow and learn! This part of my life is THAT!"

This Is Punishment

The reminders of yesterday have been so difficult today. I want to pour my feelings into this blog uniquely and to my full potential, but I think it would make me feel worse tonight. So, I'll post more lyrics by other artists, because sometimes my own creativity is too painful to regurgitate to others.




I thought that this was supposed to feel good.
And if you were really mine,
I guess it would.
I didn't fall in love
'Cause it was the right thing to do.
I just went ahead and fell for you....

Truth is your heart was never mine to take
Now I'm stuck in a feeling
That I'll never shake
I prayed for it to go
God knows I want it to stay
But here I am loving you either way.

Oh, somewhere down along the line
I guess that love became a crime
This contradiction makes no sense.
This is punishment.
I feel like this is judgement day
I'll raise my hands, stand up and say
I don't believe I'm innocent
This is punishment.

You'll never feel all the things I can't say
And I'll never know if it's better this way.

-SheDaisy

Crazy Horoscopes

No, I don't put my faith in the stars, but I think that this still perfectly states my views of love. And I know it's cheesy, but my mom found this in the back of one of her romance novels and felt compelled to share, since I am a Libra.

......................................

The setting is perfect for romance. Your eyes sweep across the ballroom sparkling with chandeliers and just-poured champagne. Dialogue swirls around you as effervescent as the setting. You finally spot your handsome, dashing hero talking to the ambassador...



If you're an air sign, this scenario speaks to your romantic heart. Your fantasy may not be as extravagant as fancy dressed balls, but if a prospective hero can't blend with your friends or help you explore new social horizons, then you won't cast him in a lead role.



The social mix does change, however, depending on your sign. Librans fill their guest lists with people from the cultural world. Your element may be air, but that doesn't mean you are "air-headed" when it comes to romance. Just the opposite is true; air signs place the intellect and the world of ideas above all other concerns. Bright and stimulating conversation ranks high on your list of attractive qualities in a man.



Alone with your beloved, good communication is more important than any other demonstrations of affection. Let others sigh deeply and gaze soulfully into their beloved's eyes, or shower them with rose petals. You'd rather be with a hero who can articulate his feelings.



Paradoxically, you are often drawn enigmatic types. This is because your own constantly-active mind loves a puzzle. A potential hero who is a bit complicated intrigues you. You always assume that if you apply your intellect, you can figure him out. And if he can match wits with you, and even top you now and then, you're likely to stay fascinated for life.



If you're like most air romantics, you are far too restless in youth to settle down too quickly. And as much as you need companionship, your standards are very high. You believe in an ideal mate -- which may be hard to come by in imperfect, real life.



But when you stop focusing too much on the ideals of romance, you can fashion the kind of relationship other people envy-- one with excellent communication played out against the backdrop of a glittering social life. Some might say the setting and plot can overshadow the inner workings. That's okay with you-- you're probably already planning your next ball.

A Toast to Friends

I happen to be right about God's incredible talent of filling those gaps that I mentioned in my last blog. I attended several Elevation meetings with the office staff yesterday morning. It was a difficult goodbye followed by a three hour drive home listening to my "Driving" playlist on iTunes, thinking about the lengthy and tiring summer full of intense blessings and cursing discouragements.

Hello hugs from my parents were wonderful, but it was different from every other time that I have come home. I had not been home in over a month, but I had spoken with one of them nearly every day on the cell phone. I had missed them, but I had also been majorly busy, focusing my energy on other emotions and activities. I knew that they were proud of me, the decisions I have been making, and the changes within and without myself, so there was a peace in that distance, making ours a more grown-up homecoming.

Last night, I had my best friends (Paul, Corey, Ben, Neal, Tim, Melissa, and Lauryn) over for a party where we did shots of Coca-Cola and had a singing, guitar/piano-playing extravaganza. We have the best times together. Suddenly I realized how deeply I had missed having unconditional friends. My heart bursts with love for them and several other close friends who weren't present. I pray that they feel how truly I adore them.

Missing people whom I love had become part of my life for the past few months. I had forgotten what it was like to have them right next to me -- feeling their voices instead of merely hearing them through the phone, laughing simply to hear ourselves laugh, smiling with them in silence of good thoughts, praying with them in a happy and real way.

And tonight... this blessing that one might call "once-in-a-lifetime", somehow comes once again, as always, in the most peculiar times and strategic places.

Leaving Monroe

Today was my last full Sunday at Elevation (for a long while, anyways). Tonight is the last night that I will spend in the Dinkins' house. In some ways, I am ready to leave, but in others, I could stay here in Charlotte forever.

No more sleeping on a futon without sheets.
No more carpet. (Neither my home, nor NGU have carpet.)
No more barking dogs.
No more high-cal, high-fat, fast food and non-perishables. Back to my good diet!
No more 30 minute drives to work everyday.
No more random workouts. Back to regular exercise!
No more airconditioning-less nights in a bonus room.

But.....

No more children. College doesn't include juveniles.
No more beautiful Monroe, NC.
No more Levi.
No more bright orange offices.
No more office staff.
No more paychecks.
No more being far from home.
No more having my own room.
No more summer.
No more live Elevation Worship Band.
No more live Pastor Furtick sermons.
No more smiling Elevation volunteer faces.

My heart knows that God is not a God of gaps. He will fill the areas I leave in Charlotte with something better that He has prepared me for throught this experience. It has been priceless, to an extent that I cannot yet comprehend, therefore will elaborate upon at a later time. For now, however, I must pack the remnants of memories and photographs, mix them with personal necessities, and drag them with my heart on a three hour drive back home.