The Repercussions of Media

When I first began this blog, I intended it to be a place that I could type out my thoughts and have some accountability to encourage me to keep writing. Now, however, I feel as if I give my readers a picture of an emotional reject. I write on the lowest and highest points of my everyday life. I am sorry if you are getting this image of me. I am not that extreme in person. Get to know me outside of this emotion-type blog. It's only my release.

Up-swing : Tonight was fabulous. It was the first night of Elevation's Summer Blast. It was the night we'd all been waiting for, praying for, and preparing for. And it was marvelous. The kids were so pumped about the entire thing. I have found out how much I adore children in this Charlotte experience... how fun it is to see their faces light up. It makes me wonder if I'll have my own children, or if I'll be involved in children's ministry.

Down-swing : I wanted to share that moment with someone ... someone whom I couldn't anymore.
On the first day, I avoided the radio altogether, driving in silence. But I realized my addiction to music and that silence only made me think deeper. Then, I tried listening to songs that made my heart dwell on other things. That playlist is very short. I would switch radio stations and skip songs on iTunes until I found something that was uplifting. Then I realized that I was listening to the same songs over and over. So I sat myself down in the locker room and pep-talked myself into thinking I was ready for whatever live-radio had to throw at me. Here's what happens when you let media shuffle it's way into your thoughts...

"Someday I will find a love that flows through me like this, and this will fall away. I'm a loser."
And for a second, I wonder if it's true.

"Beautiful Girl... you'll have me suicidal... when you say 'it's over'."
And I pray for his heart.

"I'd rather live in his world than live without him in mine."
And I wonder if I should just take the train straight to his home town.

"I'm so glad for someone like you I can come home to"
And I ask myself why I gave that up.

"You have a way of coming easily to me; and when you take, you take the very best of me.... What a shame. What a rainy ending given to a perfect day. ... And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through, I've never been anywhere cold as you."
And I worry about him.

"No one ever tells you that forever feels like home sitting all alone inside your head. How do you feel?... How much is real? So much to question."
And I go home in a different way.




Credits: "Loser" -3 Doors Down. "Beautiful Girls" - Sean Kingston. "Midnight Train to Georgia" - Gladys Knight. "Tuesday Night" - Adam Hood (who would be amazing in concert with Corey Smith... gah, the little things that make me think). "Cold As You" -Taylor Swift. "Through the Glass" -Stone Sour.

Shipwrecked Tonight

For over a year this relationship has grown -- starting with simple get-to-know-each-other games, and progressing to deeper-soul conversations.

Then it ended.

It certainly wasn't ended because of boring discussions. Part of the problem could have been that the discussions were getting too intense. I liked it. And it scared me.

Let's take that thought and run with it.

Fear. I was afraid of not knowing how serious our relationship should be. I was afraid of confusion between love of a man and love of God. I was afraid to be blinded. I ended a relationship with a human, not because I thought it would come between my Savior and me... (no, that would take much stronger forces) but because I felt the relationship would take the place of God's original will for my life.

Fear. I don't want to be one of those people who turn away good love, and never find it again. But I don't want to settle. I want a relationship that does not rely on electronic devices (cell phones and computers) as mediums for survival. I want (and possibly deserve) something real. Something present.

I have never cut off a relationship. I hate this feeling. I feel so stupidly smart, so intelligently ignorant. I don't know anymore what was wrong or right about it. I was so sure when I told him goodbye, but since then I have picked up my cell phone many times wishing I hadn't deleted his number and resisting the urge to recall it. I have typed his screenname into my buddylist, only to delete it and close the box before I went back on my decision. That entire day was excruciating. I'm still aching, pacing the stairwell, refusing to wipe the tears in denial of their existence, hoping my stomach settles, praying that, if he really isn't God's will for me, I will heal. And if we were supposed to be together, that God will correct this era in my life for His glory. Five days down... and the rest of our lives to go.

I wrote a song and a poem today. It's in blurbs right now. I don't think I have the strength to share it all, but I will type pieces.

(Poem)
I always followed my heart
But it was a rocking ship;
Being blown apart
By chaotic emotions
That must have been lying
With all the opposite notions.
I'm a shipwreck
Rocked extreme to extreme
Plunged into the deep
Of my current catastrophe.
Are you a shipwreck, too?
Do you want to swim back to shore
Where you won't miss me anymore.
Does your stomach ache with hunger pangs?
And your eyes pour more tears the lower the sun hangs?
Are you quieted by bustling thoughts
That are murky in your mind
But opaque in your heart.
I beg never to know
How you might feel
We were forced apart
Please, love me not
Though I love you still.

(Song)
Show me how to heal
Show me how to deal
With this shipwreck
Teach me not to love
Just to give you up
Because I'm going down
With this shipwreck.


How close two beings can grow to be simply amazes me. Tonight, my heart is throbbing for another. I have been an emotional shipwreck all week, particularly today, because I wasn't distracted by work. And I know that he would be off today, too. Does he have too much free time, as well? God, bless his soul. Comfort him. ... Comfort me.

*Cars*

As an intern, my primary responsibility is to run errands. I truly love it, ESPECIALLY when I run errands for Damion, the production manager. He found out that I absolutely love to drive his truck and offered for me to drive it to Office Depot today.

Cars with a characters that matches their owners' personalities have always fascinated me. Damion's truck is probably an 80's model, Chevy, ripped navy vinyl interior, collapsing ceiling liner, peeling paint, and absolutely NO air conditioning. I choose a country music station while I drive it.

While stopped at a redlight in this incredibly attractive truck, I began to notice the characters of the cars around me. In the right lane, there was a sleek black volvo. A man in a white dress shirt and a bluetooth attached to his left ear jumped out of it. I immediately thought "Chinese Redlight", but really he was just retrieving a notebook from a briefcase in the trunk. I thought "definitely has character and a driver with a matching personality. " But what tops that was the car directly in front of me. It was an older white compact car. There were large white stickers with bold black letters across the back reading "VEGAN." My eyes traveled to the left rear bumper which featured a white bumper sticker. Cartoon animals were walking across the top of the sticker with the words "Love Animals. Don't Eat Them" below. I giggled at this and felt the urge to meet the driver in my own game of Chinese Redlight, but resisted. However, the light turned, and we went on our merry way. Then my little car-character observation game climaxed. The over zealous vegan just in front of me had perchased a personal license plate. It was simple: "CMPASHN!"

Tossed Up and Placed Safely Down

Many ups and downs in my day today. I am typically not moody person, but this new phase in my life gives way to a waterfall of emotion. I hope it only lasts a short while... like a week, maybe. I may still possess a damaged heart by then, but at least it may not make the rest of my body suffer from it's pain.

The office was a great pace today. Rachel sent me to Office Max where I had to wait for an hour, so I shopped for dorm stuff. I read my devotion at work today. That was nice to read it in the same environment to which I must apply it. I'll be blogging about 1 Samuel soon.

My lowpoint came while I was alone in the car today. I just kept pushing away the memories and cramming my thoughts into place, reminding myself that this choice was made in order to free my life up for Christ's work within it.

A highpoint did come, however. The interns went to Chunk's and Amy's house for dinner tonight. It was great to just sit around and talk casually with people. They are such great people, and their children are absolute angels. We met Pastor Furtick, Holly, and Elijah (who turned 2 today) across the street. When we said hello and gave birthday greetings, Pastor Furtick and Holly told Elijah to come give us hugs. Highpoint:

Elijah ran straight to me... and said my name. He remembered my name! It was heaven. I tossed him up into my arms and gave him a quick tight squeeze before placing him back into running position on the ground. I LOVE that kid. We kind of... connect.

I spoke briefly with Elijah's dad about my current decision, and thanked him for unknowingly being partially responsible for that change in my life.

This part of my life? This part right here. It's called "Unstable," but somehow, in ups and downs, it's also called "Something New" for me to run into.

Ouch... Praise God.

I am so sorry to have kept my readers waiting! The past couple days have been a whirlwind of amazing things, good and bad, in my life. I've just been trying to think of a way to condense in all right here into a readable blog. I gave up on figuring that out, so here begins my novel :

After the amazing morning and afternoon on Sunday, there was a worship night exclusively for the volunteers of Elevation... only I didn't know that I was invited until just before it began. I had assumed that I would be working with the children, but Elevation is so fabulous in planning for every detail, and this event was specifically to get the typical workers into a praise service all their own without the responsibilities hanging just outside the auditorium doors.

What happened for those two hours in that high school is inexplicable. It was a CD release PARTY(!) for "The Sound" by Elevation Worship Band. The total time spent worshiping, singing, raising hands, jumping, clapping, screaming, yelling, and simply having an awesome time celebrating how incredible Christ is. Pastor Furtick also spoke openly and unscripted to us, his core, devoted volunteers.

And, in the boisterousness of the room, my heart was silent and listening. God was speaking and pushing. He was calling me to act upon a decision that I had already made. I had fought Him far too long. He was jealous. I had caused it. I had promised to cut off things that held me back from him, but procrastinated in doing so. Standing in the auditorium with the subs blasting in my ears and tears washing away my makeup, I told God, "This is going to hurt. Oh, God, You know this is going to hurt. But I know that it's going to feel good when you fulfill your will because I let go of this."

James 4:17 "Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and does not do it, sins."

And so, that very next day, I made the phonecall and did the good that hurt so much.

I don't know how to explain it. I'm sure many of you have experienced this, but I had never --not to this extent -- to cut off something that has grown into part of you, and the only thing keeping you from bleeding to death is knowing that the Healer will make you whole... and the you afterwards will be optimally improved.

And again, the verses from Zechariah came to my aid. "I will bring [them] into the fire. ... refine them... test them... they will call on My name and I will answer them. I will say, 'They are my people,' and they will say, 'The Lord is our God!'" (13:9)

Today was difficult. And somehow, it was wonderful. It still hurts. There is still healing to be done. But even that pain is minimal compared to the total pain that could experienced over any extensive time I would spend holding on to the things God commanded me to lose. I coped in the way I almost always do. I wrote.

When I let You have me
When I let You have it all
When I forget my sacrifice
And think about the call
I shed a couple tears
One for joy, one for pain
Through bittersweet circumstances
You make each one my gain.

Match Over. Winner Declared.

It was difficult to wake up before the sun this morning, at 4am, while the raccoons were still out watching me leave the gravel driveway.

But, somehow, it's always worth it. And somehow,I knew it would be majorly worth it today. Great things started happening when I arrived at Elevation at 6am and haven't stopped pouring into my life all day. The rooms were already set up at church this morning. I got to lead two children's worship services and work with my favorite age group. I got my paycheck. The Elevation Worship Band played my favorite song in the first service this morning. We didn't have to tear down. A group of us went out after church and played some serious beach volleyball.

But all of that combined could never match what I experienced tonight at the volunteers' worship service and Sound CD Release Party tonight.

Of course, tonight cannot be fully explained, since it was Almighty God behind the works. It was without a doubt the coolest thing I have experienced in all my short life. I cant detail it all for you right now. This blog was intended just to record that today was the greatest day of my life since the day I decided to follow Christ. I hope that this coerces you into reading my blog tomorrow to find out what tonight was all about.

(No apologies for the cliff hanger... because it's worth it.)

What Might Have Been

I watched "In Love and War" tonight and remembered the desire I once had to be a military nurse. I told a friend of mine that today, and he laughed. I was initially offended that he would take my dream so lightly, then I realized the hilarity of it as well. Don't misunderstand me, I certainly enjoy certain aspects that nursing would involve -- courage in difficult situations, discernment, memorization, and in particular, babying people who are in pain. But God knew better. He knew that He had placed other passions in my soul that would have been pushed aside if I were to pursue a nursing career. Thinking back on it, David was right to laugh. Times have changed. I would not have been in a white dress and cap with World War I surroundings. Instead, I would have been training for sandy middle eastern climates and training with the boys like I was one of them until I was prepared to treat wounds made by modern artillery.

Nevertheless, the entire movie spins around what might have been, and so have my thoughts since viewing it. (Warning: SPOILER. Don't read if you plan to watch the movie.) It's a true story about Ernest Hemingway's (Chris O'Donnell's) life. He and Aggie (Sandra Bullock) fall into young love, but distance separates them for several months. Aggie is wooed by an Italian man and becomes engaged to him, thus breaking the engagement with Ernie. However, Aggie cannot keep her love-struck mind from thoughts of Ernie back in the states. She leaves Italian Mr. Right-Now, and runs to American Mr. Right. But, instead of taking her back into his arms, he turns his back to her, literally (many scenes of the back of Chris O'Donnell's head) and metaphorically. The story ends in such a way that I feel I should pay a psychiatrist to cure my depression. Ernie and Aggie never see each other again, and Ernie marries four times (!) before he commits suicide.

And of course, I wondered about my own life again, since this movie holds many parallels that I am not yet comfortable detailing on the world wide web. (Ask me in person if you'd like to know.) And I keep wondering what might have been? What if Aggie hadn't broken off the engagement? What if Hemingway's had forgiven her? What if I had....

Larry Brey, Elevation's Assimilation Pastor, shared an analogy with me the other day. He said that all of life is like the driver's seat. How dangerous would it be to spend our time staring through a tiny rear view mirror into the past, when there is a clear, large windshield of flying colors ahead. It's okay to look back sometimes, but we have to see forward -- the present and future -- far more than the past, or we'll run straight into trouble.

I discussed a major relationship in my past with my aunt last weekend on my visit to her hometown, and concluded inside myself as I spoke to her, "I thought I would marry him. I thought he was God's will, and I even prayed for that. I am so glad that God chose not to give me what I asked for." And she said, "Wow, that means you really have grown up." Though the what ifs of the past are still in my mind at times, about my relationships with guys, my feelings for them, career/educational choices, and lost or gained friendships, I'm finding that maturity is developed, not only in making good decisions today, but also in having peace with the decisions that are already made... even if it's choosing English over nursing.