Hopeless Decision

One of my friends and I had a breakfast conversation New Years morning. We talked about the odd sensation that occurs if someone you've had feelings for in the past yet chose not to be in a more serious relationship with suddenly starts easing his/her way into your life, and consequently your emotions, once again. That has been happening to me over Christmas break since many people from my past are aware of my presence back home. With those thoughts bumping into each other in my little brain, I penned this poem -- a poem that reflects making a decision that may be the right choice, but still erases possibility in a relationship.

With one glance at our hearts, it seems they touch,
Though they never have.
They were merely drawn closer by Hope.
I wish we had needed nothing between,
That we had beaten Time to the draw
So he would let me hear your voice every second of everyday.
Since we lost to Time, it hurts to hear even one word you say.
Distraction and Opportunity came my way.
Discernment and Decision slid between us.
Then I asked Hope to leave us both alone.
She did obligingly. And now she's gone.

Ancora Imparo

December 31st is typically the day when people reflect on the past year and write out resolutions for the following day until however long they can keep them. Today, I will have a slight variation of this ritual. I want to record not what I will attempt to change about next year, but instead record the lessons that I know will stay with me for a lifetime.

1. It may sound cheesy, but you can't hurry love. When it comes to opposite sex relationships, let God control the timing. Not only is love unrushable, but it is unforceable. If it isn't already there, it isn't a good idea to squeeze it between you and someone else.
2. Not every person who enters your life can star in it. It is your right to decide who can and cannot be a huge part of your life, with godly discernment, of course. Be the leading character in your own life, or someone else will take over.
3.God knows. At those times in your life when you're so blind to what the future may be, and mutter the words "Who knows?", it is unexplainbably reassuring to say, "God does."
4. Open-ended questions are glorious. I'm sorry if you caught me in the middle. I'm still trying to master the art of this.
5. When God reveals something, it's true. Don't question the things God has already made clear. There are uniquenesses that God intended us to have in order to fulfill His plans. After you've figured out what they are, don't mess with them; embrace them. I am simply meant to be an English major. When people ask me why, I don't always have a good answer other than, "God has revealed that to me." I ask myself the same questions that those other people do. God will fill in the blanks whenever He thinks I need them filled.
6. Write this down. It's easy to lose track of miscellaneous items within the cracks and wrinkles of our brains. Writing down the good things God has done for me makes it easier to praise Him when they aren't so obvious. Recording prayers is simply amazing when you look back and see the creative ways your Creator met your needs.
7. Beauty has power. On horrible days, on ecstatic days, on so-so days, everyday beauty simply changes the way you feel. Everyone finds beauty in different things -- nature, music notes, construction, color, ideas -- whatever you find it in, find it often.
8. God is a God of beginnings. New days, new years, new people, new places, new hearts, new lives -- so many new things are refreshers for the mundane. Although you might not be able to go back to the start and do it all again, with each passing second, you can choose to have a fresh start.

Christmas Poems

I wrote these poems last year. They show the dichotomy of what Christians consider the real first Christmas compared to what it is today. May you be blessed with both, and may you be merry today.




Curly-haired sleepy-heads
Wake up and tumble out of beds,
Run down the hall
And into the pile
Of gifts wrapped brightly
And bows tied tightly.
Mom and dad smile,
Whispering secrets while
Watching all their dreams
Come true through the streams
Of paper and ribbons
Soon bundled in hats and mittens,
Tossed in laughter and fun
So playful and wild,
Their most cherished gift
Is the face of the child.

Newborn sleepy-head
Wakes up to a prickly bed,
A feeding trough,
And a wooden stall
Of animals grunting lightly
Under a star shining brightly.
Mom and dad smile
Whispering secrets while
Watching all their dreams
Come true in the streams
Of hay and dust
Through deepest fears and desperate trust.
Coated with peace and tranquility.
So meek and so mild,
Their most cherished gift
Is the grace of the Child.

Not So Merry

My family is notorious for envisioning Norman Rockwell Christmases and getting anything but. As I child, Christmas really was perfect for me. However, now that I'm out of that stage, I realize how much work my family puts into keep Christmas the way it always has been. Conforming to society's psychology places an entire set of stereotypes for this season. From trees to family traditions to last-minute shopping traffic, our schema for Christmas is a stiff one. If we stray from that schema, we feel that we have failed ourselves and those we love by not providing the right Christmas.

But what if, by some cosmic alteration beyond your control, your Christmas isn't like that? What if your grandmother is in the hospital and the entire family focuses on the ICU room instead of a Christmas dinner? What if you've just had a disagreement with the people you love most and you realize there is no way you can please them? What if the husband and father of four is suddenly and inexplicably killed in a car accident? What if you are a widow in a nursing home with no remaining family? What if it simply was a bad day where nothing seemed to go as hoped?

To all of you who feel this way, I'm doing the best I can within my heart to hug you right now. I don't want to paste a smile on top of your frown. I just want to sit beside you in silence so we'll both know we aren't alone. Maybe Christmas hasn't been the "most wonderful time of the year". Maybe you don't feel "holly jolly". Maybe you won't even be "home for Christmas." Even if this season isn't what it's always been or what you've always wanted it to be, that doesn't mean you've failed or done anything wrong. You're just breaking the mold.

Look how far we've come from what we consider the first Christmas. A couple thousand years ago, Christmas didn't have a name. It didn't have assigned colors like red and green. It didn't have symbols like candy canes, wreaths, trees, nativities, or crosses. Very few people really paid the first Noel any attention. And what strikes me the most is that it involved a difficult journey, a woman in labor, and a struggling new father. It doesn't sound very merry... all except for a Savior entering a crazy world that needed Him desperately. Only He was glorious. So cling to the Savior if your Christmas is perfect, and especially if He's all you have. Whatever the case, though I can't really be there with you, that Savior already is... and not just because it's Christmas. He's with you constantly because he wants to be. Despite that schema, He came because He wanted to be with us and rescue us. That's what Christmas really is.

Desire for the World

This poem coincides with my last blog. I wrote this a few days ago.


I want to tell the world to act its age.
What's the deal with all the rage?
We should know better by now,
But we live in chaos anyhow.

I want to tell the world to share,
Teach the wealthy how to care,
Teach the able to assist the broken,
How to comfort with words unspoken.

I want to give the world a hug
Keep all the homeless safe and snug
Surprise the lonely with real love
Can anyone feel it quite enough.

I want to tell the world to hush
To give up the hurry and the rush
Go home and keep their families whole
And invest more time to feed their soul.

I want to tell the world to laugh.
It'd cut the length of wars in half
And make impoverished children smile.
It'd only take a little while.

I want to tell the world to act its age.
What's the deal with all the rage?
We should know better by now
And love each other anyhow.

The World's Charity

While surfing the web today, I found a website called The Smile Train, promoting a charity that pays for cleft lip and palate operations. Its headline "The World's Leading Cleft Charity" caught my eye. It is a rare occasion that I see my name beside a birth defect that I was actually born with. The phrase struck me close to the heart, so I took the initiative to investigate. The charity is able to perform an operation for only 250 dollars per child. My similar operation was 20 years ago, and even then it was still very expensive here in the US. 250 dollars is pennies compared to the medical bills my parents have received throughout my lifetime.

And yet 100,000 little smiles are still in need of repair. Why?

Today on TV, I saw a new airliner in which passengers can eat five-course meals, sleep in nice beds, have the covers turned down for them, and be given new pajamas, tooth-brushes, and razors. Price? $5,000 to $7,000 for a seven hour flight. That isn't even enough time for the recommended length of sleep, not considering meals and all the other amenities included in the flight, and yet, many others around the world will not sleep tonight because they are cold or hungry. Their entire day could have been comfortable for 15 cents, and yet, another person is spending $7,000 to sleep in luxury on a plane for a few hours.

I read in a magazine about a mom (author of the article) who pointed out to her young sons that the monthly bill for their high-speed Internet would be the same price as supporting a little girl in another country for a month. The boys willingly said, "Mom, don't be silly. Who would pick the cable thing?" Children sometimes have such a better grasp of reality than we spoiled adults do.

So all day, my head has spun in questions. How can there be so many wealthy people and so many impoverished people in the same world? How can a father in my hometown choose to by cigarettes instead of better clothing for his daughter? How can I witness a mother taking a pet to the vet and neglect her child from seeing a pediatrician? How can I be thrilled with the invention of a hotel on a plane when I know how many people could have been fed for the same price? How could I sit here and write with a clean conscience knowing the money I just payed for a cell phone bill could have kept an infant in Uganda from being killed only because she was born with the same birth defect that I was born with... just in a different country? How can millions of dollars be spent on fertility drugs and procedures while orphans suffer and pine to be adopted?

No answers came.

The unanswered questions are beneficial, however, because they coerce me into being inquisitive, intuitive, inventive, insightful, and eventually involved. This world needs involvement. There is greed, laziness, and ignorance in those who least expect it... like myself. Humanity is aching. What are we doing to ease its pain? The smallest things count. And how convenient it is for us that our smallest things are what others consider wealth.

Oh, if I could hug the world tonight, I would. I resolve, instead, to mold my heart, mind, and actions with these thoughts.

New Christmas Poem

I attended my home church's Christmas program tonight, which was a blessing. It's a very small church, but it's Christmas concerts are always perfectly professional. The title of this year's program was something like "No Other Name." Though so many other parents have discussed what they will name their children, it seems to me that very few claim having an angel tell them what they should name their child. Mary and Joseph were two of the lucky ones. "You are to give him the name Jesus" the angel told Mary in Luke 1:31 and Joseph in Matthew 1:21. And though some parents might believe an angel revealed the names of their children, I am certain that NO other given name grants salvation from sin but "Jesus Christ". Acts 4:12 says it this way: "Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved." How much power can one word hold? As an English major, it's my job to study words and to combine them to make powerful statements. Yet, no other word in any language's vocabulary can conjure up the power of that one word, "Jesus." There really is, "just something about that name."

And as if God wanted to prove that He was unmatchable, he not only did so by having an unbeatable name, but also by giving an unmatchable gift. I assure you that anything you give or receive this Christmas will be temporary. Whether it's a tie for your dad or a diamond ring for your girlfriend, you are incapable of giving a gift that will really last forever, no matter what that diamond commercial says. But God could, and He did through Jesus. I recently wrote this poem about that gift:


In a simple wooden box
With cloth for a bow
Was a small bundled gift
Better than all my hopes
Outnumbering all my dreams
Overpowering all my desires
Bigger than I could ever be.
He wrapped up more than my everything,
And I got it all for free.
Not even on a holiday
It was just a day
When he wrapped up redemption
And gave it to me.
It was put in a box
Yet it sets me free
A present that saves me from my past
With a divine note attached
To secure my future
By adopting me
Through a small bundled gift
Wrapping up more than everything
In a simple wooden box
With cloth for a bow.