The Charity Geyser

I'm pouring out of me.
Oh God, I'm gushing!
Slow the current--
Stop the flow--
I cannot help myself.
I cannot keep myself
From gushing.
Like a geyser,
My life is coming out
My thoughts are leaking out
My heart is rolling out
Shut my mumbling mouth
Flush my eyes with tears
Open my deafened ears
Re-stuff me, Lord,
But not with fluff.
Re-stuff me with substance
Stuff it in, and stitch it up.
Send me out,
Whole this time around.
Keep my feet on the ground.
Or else, when everything escapes,
I'll be floating,
Only floating,
With no self-control
Over my loitering lips,
My rambling thoughts,
Or my unkempt motives.
Oh God, I'm gushing again.
Make me stop!








Disclaimer: I wrote this poem earlier today. In no way should it make people stop pouring out their hearts to God and others or stop being the candid and unique people God created them to be. However, there are times meant for reservation, yet sometimes I struggle with restraint. This is a prayer that God enhances my self-control. Even passion for life can be a hindrance at times to the will God has for that life.

Thanks!

I know that I'm a little late on the Thanksgiving theme. Most other times, I'm pretty punctual, so just humor me this time around!

I was studying gratitude in psychology (how convenient for the holidays, right?), and the professor asked us to make a list of things for which we were thankful. Despite it's ease, this was not an elementary assignment. It was meant to show us that after making such a list, we would physically feel better.

I wrote several things, and surprisingly, at the end, he was right. I was smiling. Here's the exact replica... (If you aren't here, that doesn't mean that I'm not thankful for you, it means that he only gave us 2 minutes of his precious class-time.)


I AM THANKFUL FOR:

Learning
Corey
Melissa B.
Marla & Steph
My mom
My dad
NGU
Dr. Epting
Fun professors
Books
Words
Friends
Hugs
Scripture
My car
Sleep
Smiles
Godly advice
Babies
Youtube


Yes, it's random, probably because we were also studying association methods. However, he also assigned for us to write thank-you letters. I'm not dreading that at all. I also think my Christmas cards this year will be thank-you cards instead.


"Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name;
make known among the nations what he has done."
1 Chronicles 16:8
"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever."
1 Chronicles 16:34
"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts,
since as members of one body you were called to peace.
And be thankful."
Colossians 3:15
"Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful."
Colossians 4:2


Be thankful today. For everything. Then go a step further, and praise the Lord, maybe even to other people. See what happens.

Dream of a Lifetime

Over the Thanksgiving break, I have been thinking about my dreams. Being single is never so agonizingly hopeful as it is during the holidays. I use this oxymoron because it is truly a bittersweet sensation, watching the grandness of life then praying it happens to you, too.

Last night, I told one of my best friends that as she makes a huge new change in her life, she should have a strong vision of what she wants with room to let God change that vision to accommodate whatever He wants. I now realize that this advice was only an echo of what the Lord has taught me lately.Throughout the last few years, I have simultaneously lost sight of my dreams and formed them. The things I dreamed for myself in high school are now vapors of the past, but the dreams that I let God spin around in my mind since then are more concrete now than ever, and I feel Him behind me, supporting me in my pursuit of them.

The holidays make me dream. It is sometimes a struggle to discern which dreams are mine and which are revelations of the will of God. Maybe there is a mixture in what I have now. I pray that only God's dreams for me come true, but I can only share that mixture of my dreams and leave it up to the future to decide which of those are meant to be reality.

The clearest picture I have to offer of my dreams are examples of those dreams in real people's lives, which I will dispense now.

For a paper on Louisa May Alcott, I have been reading her novel LITTLE MEN, about a boarding house for abandoned boys. The book is an account of brawls, runaways, boats, dogs, frogs, bruises, scrapes, dirt, and a whole lot of love. The house at Plumfield is a square old white house, but also a refuge for the weary. The mother and father make a wonderful combination for raising a dozen boys in a well-rounded atmosphere. Call me crazy, but that atmosphere is my dream.

My cousin, Cristy, has three rambunctious sons of various ages, and three equally rowdy nephews. She is beautiful. She is classic. She is strong, yet still smiles. She lives in a house that is a hundred years old and has redecorated it superbly. My family met at her place on Thanksgiving night. The only word I can think to describe this feeling I get from her home is bustling. Call me crazy, but this word is my dream.

Last night, I read a magazine article by a columnist/mother-of-four-boys. She had only an hour to pen a well-written article for a well-known magazine before she picked up her children from school, and still she said she could not wait until 3pm when they would be home again. The picture beside her words was of her with her four boys huddled close, a spouting water hose, and a wet spotted dog. Call me crazy, but this picture is my dream.

These dreams may seem insane to some. These dreams could be changed in an instant. But that's the point -- I don't want them to be too solid. I want God to have room to mold. But, I also realize that He has already molded them thus far, and they get closer to reality in each passing moment. These dreams are the middle of an unfinished project, so that what He is molding becomes clearer every day. Because of what He has already formed, this hope is not too unbearably agonizing. It's merely mesmerizing. I'm on the edge... I'm on my knees... anticipating.

Sneak Peek

In 1 Samuel 12, the people of God were being firmly reprimanded by God's appointed judge Samuel. He told them that they asked for hard times by asking for a king instead of being content to be ruled by the judges. The ignorant people probably brushed away his words like dust on a mantel. However, Samuel continued telling them how they could avoid the punishments: "'Do not be afraid, ...Do not turn away from the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your heart. ... Fear the lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart'" (1 Samuel 12:20, 24). But the wise people, who believed because they had seen Samuel's words come true before, were probably on the edge of their seat in wonder of what was about to happen.

Do you ever felt that way about what God was about to do? Hopefully it isn't His wrath you are awaiting, but it could be something He seems to have promised you over and over. Still, you just can't get the full picture. I feel this way lately, like a kid with his nose against the TV screen, only seeing pixelated lights and none of the real picture. I feel as if I am driving around a curve that won't seem to end. What is around it!? This curiosity compels me to keep serving and keep growing in the Lord. It also can make me impatiently rush and push too soon.

In reply to this feeling for those people and to me today, Samuel tells his listeners in verse 16, "Stand still and see this great thing the Lord is about to do before your eyes!"

My suite-mates and I went to Chick-fil-a very early one morning last week. In His own way, God said "Charity, stand still and see this great thing I'm about to do in your life, right here, right before your eyes!" when He placed a big clear rainbow in the sky. Now, please don't think I'm cheesy. I've seen rainbows before, but never like this. Never so bold, never the entire rainbow, and never without rain and clouds. He spoke to my heart through it, telling me, just as he told Noah, "Everything will be okay." And in the quiet, I stood still, receiving his peace about my current circumstances. I keep forgetting that God can reveal so much without me moving a muscle.


"In the quiet, in the stillness, I know that you are God. In the secret of Your presence, I know there I am restored." -"None But Jesus" Hillsong

" When I stand in that place, free at last, meeting face to face, I am Yours, Jesus, You are mine. Endless joy, perfect peace." -"Happy Day" Tim Hughes


Thank you, Lord, for stillness and sneak peeks of Your glory.

I Just Realized That...

I tip my waiters and waitresses fifteen percent at restaurants, yet...



Does God get even ten percent of me?

The Finish Line

I didn't make it.

In my post called "Facebook Fast," I explained that I would not be on Facebook for an entire week. It was planned to be from last Wednesday night until tomorrow (Wednesday) night.

I didn't make it.

I lost my cell phone on Sunday morning. My suitemates were gone. I had been alone most of the weekend. I never thought I could feel so alone-- not really "alone", just deprived of communication.

Without my cell phone, I had no alarm, but I woke early Monday morning in a cold sweat from a nightmare. I realized no one was there, and I had no way to contact anyone. I thought of Jesus, not really a prayer, but a semi-conscious awareness of his presence. Forgive my brief humanity, but He seemed not enough. I was still partially asleep as I sat straight up, pulled my laptop to me, and clicked the link to Facebook in a desperate attempt to have a connection outside my empty dorm.

I didn't make it.

One week was all that was required. However, I had forgotten how quiet and lonely weekends on campus are. And now, I realize, I had forgotten how important community and communication are, even communication that isn't face-to-face. I was starved of people.

Later, I realized the repercussions of my impulsive action -- not keeping my word to myself or my friends was wrong -- but I still learned. The issue wasn't that Jesus wasn't enough that morning. He is always enough. The issue was what he was trying to teach me. We NEED each other. I don't need Facebook. I don't need a cell phone. But I do need people. My closest friends, my good friends, my distant friends, my acquaintances, and even people I haven't met -- I need all of them, because God placed them there for His purposes.

I also learned that sometimes we give up too quickly. I only had two days left to keep my word, but I couldn't see the finish line. Similarly, school is so demanding right now. There are more assignments than I could possibly make time to do as well as I would like. Thanksgiving Break is a week away, and Christmas Break is a week after that. I'm so close to finishing, but I feel like I should have a break and a rest right now. I will never get the momentum back up for myself with so little time left. All motivation for the remaining two weeks of classes will come from Christ alone. After I sprint through the ribbon at the end, I'll be proud of Him. Not myself. I fail. I am needy. I am weak. I sometimes don't keep my promises.

I didn't make it.
But He does.

Radio Surfing

I am notorious for radio-station surfing. I skip from one programmed station to another until I find actual singing and not speaking. If, by some catastrophe of media, all my programmed stations are talking and not playing what they should (SONGS!), then I scan through random stations that I don't know. This catastrophic event took place tonight, but instead of being disappointed by not knowing the other stations, I was blessed by a new song. I stopped scanning because the song started with soft and easy piano. But when the words poured in, I was mesmerized. When I came back to the dorm to look up the lyrics, I realized that it was a poem by William Cowper before it was a song. There's such peace in it's resolution. It touched my heart 300 years after it was written. I hope it touches yours, too.



God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.
Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sov’reign will.
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flow’r.
Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.

-William Cowper, 1774

Facebook Fast

Last night, I was chatting online with a good friend who had decided to give up checking facebook for a week. I decided to join him. What would it hurt?

I'm already having withdrawals. I didn't realize how often I checked it. But, taking facebook away from myself has given me time to write a speech, empty out all sorts of emails that had built up over the school year, and start on a paper that is due in a few weeks -- and that's only in a few hours. There are several other things I plan on doing with all the extra time... like clean off this mess of a desk I'm sitting in right now.

For those of you who know me, this week would be a great time to call, since one large source of communication is absent. The good thing is, I'm not dependent on it, and I'll still be busy. I'd like to encourage you all to join me in attempting something new, though small, this week. It's an adventure and tests your psyche. Let me know what you try.

Feel the Oldies

I chose to blog today, not because I feel like blogging, but because if I were to stop, it might be indefinitely. So I chose to blog today. I'm supposed to write. I'm made to write.


I'll just share some quotes from oldies music I was listening to on Sunday.

"A little bit of love goes a long, long way." -Wynonna

"My mama taught me how to stand alone. She let me go but she still holds on, and I can still feel all of that love from here." -Wynonna

"Better to shower the people you love with love. Show them the way that you feel." -James Taylor

"I walked out this morning, and I wrote down this song. I just can't remember who to send it to." -James Taylor

"We are bound together by the task that stands before us and the road that lies ahead. There is a feeling like the clenching of a fist. There is a hunger in the center of the chest. There is a passage through the darkness and the mist. Though the body sleeps, the heart will never rest." -James Taylor

"A little bit of her was a little too much." -James Taylor

"Whenever I see your smiling face, I have to smile myself, because I love you." -James Taylor

"They say in every life... the rain must fall. ....Love... is sunshine." -James Taylor

Living For God

Today was one of those days between Bible Studies when I didn't really know what to read, so I just fanned the thin and worn pages until I found something that made me stop. In hopes to keep my scripture reading intentional, I don't do that often, but when I do, I search for groups of words or lots of highlighting. The passage that I found this afternoon, 1 Peter 4: 1-11, had both. The bold-print section heading read "LIVING FOR GOD." I'd like to share some quotes and thoughts, as always (in NIV again)...


"Since, Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin. As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God." (v. 1-2)

Christ suffered for us. Whatever attitude that required of him, we should have the same one. I love that "done with sin." It's like finishing a long and tedious English paper, and at the end, you leave the desk and stretch and say "Yes! I'm DONE with that!" Then the art of living the rest of your earthly life for the will of God. Wow. I want to master that art.

"Be clear minded and self-controlled, so that you can pray." (v. 7)

This seems like a good verse to think about just before spending some real quality time talking to Jesus. Sometimes the girls and I in the Cline Lifeline Bible study get so tickled about something that happened that day, that we have to refocus before we go to God in prayer, clearing the giggles out of our mind, controlling the hilarious girly thoughts about whatever happened that day, and just coming freely and ready to God for whatever He wants to do in that time.

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality... without grumbling." (v. 8-9)

I've always dreamed of a big white house in the country with all my kids friends being welcome anytime to play and eat -- heaven on earth to me. That dream is the essence of the feeling I get from reading these verses... abounding love and hospitality.

"If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God." (v. 10)

If I lived by this verse, how much more silent would I become?

Living for God seems different now.