Ancora Imparo

December 31st is typically the day when people reflect on the past year and write out resolutions for the following day until however long they can keep them. Today, I will have a slight variation of this ritual. I want to record not what I will attempt to change about next year, but instead record the lessons that I know will stay with me for a lifetime.

1. It may sound cheesy, but you can't hurry love. When it comes to opposite sex relationships, let God control the timing. Not only is love unrushable, but it is unforceable. If it isn't already there, it isn't a good idea to squeeze it between you and someone else.
2. Not every person who enters your life can star in it. It is your right to decide who can and cannot be a huge part of your life, with godly discernment, of course. Be the leading character in your own life, or someone else will take over.
3.God knows. At those times in your life when you're so blind to what the future may be, and mutter the words "Who knows?", it is unexplainbably reassuring to say, "God does."
4. Open-ended questions are glorious. I'm sorry if you caught me in the middle. I'm still trying to master the art of this.
5. When God reveals something, it's true. Don't question the things God has already made clear. There are uniquenesses that God intended us to have in order to fulfill His plans. After you've figured out what they are, don't mess with them; embrace them. I am simply meant to be an English major. When people ask me why, I don't always have a good answer other than, "God has revealed that to me." I ask myself the same questions that those other people do. God will fill in the blanks whenever He thinks I need them filled.
6. Write this down. It's easy to lose track of miscellaneous items within the cracks and wrinkles of our brains. Writing down the good things God has done for me makes it easier to praise Him when they aren't so obvious. Recording prayers is simply amazing when you look back and see the creative ways your Creator met your needs.
7. Beauty has power. On horrible days, on ecstatic days, on so-so days, everyday beauty simply changes the way you feel. Everyone finds beauty in different things -- nature, music notes, construction, color, ideas -- whatever you find it in, find it often.
8. God is a God of beginnings. New days, new years, new people, new places, new hearts, new lives -- so many new things are refreshers for the mundane. Although you might not be able to go back to the start and do it all again, with each passing second, you can choose to have a fresh start.

Christmas Poems

I wrote these poems last year. They show the dichotomy of what Christians consider the real first Christmas compared to what it is today. May you be blessed with both, and may you be merry today.




Curly-haired sleepy-heads
Wake up and tumble out of beds,
Run down the hall
And into the pile
Of gifts wrapped brightly
And bows tied tightly.
Mom and dad smile,
Whispering secrets while
Watching all their dreams
Come true through the streams
Of paper and ribbons
Soon bundled in hats and mittens,
Tossed in laughter and fun
So playful and wild,
Their most cherished gift
Is the face of the child.

Newborn sleepy-head
Wakes up to a prickly bed,
A feeding trough,
And a wooden stall
Of animals grunting lightly
Under a star shining brightly.
Mom and dad smile
Whispering secrets while
Watching all their dreams
Come true in the streams
Of hay and dust
Through deepest fears and desperate trust.
Coated with peace and tranquility.
So meek and so mild,
Their most cherished gift
Is the grace of the Child.

Not So Merry

My family is notorious for envisioning Norman Rockwell Christmases and getting anything but. As I child, Christmas really was perfect for me. However, now that I'm out of that stage, I realize how much work my family puts into keep Christmas the way it always has been. Conforming to society's psychology places an entire set of stereotypes for this season. From trees to family traditions to last-minute shopping traffic, our schema for Christmas is a stiff one. If we stray from that schema, we feel that we have failed ourselves and those we love by not providing the right Christmas.

But what if, by some cosmic alteration beyond your control, your Christmas isn't like that? What if your grandmother is in the hospital and the entire family focuses on the ICU room instead of a Christmas dinner? What if you've just had a disagreement with the people you love most and you realize there is no way you can please them? What if the husband and father of four is suddenly and inexplicably killed in a car accident? What if you are a widow in a nursing home with no remaining family? What if it simply was a bad day where nothing seemed to go as hoped?

To all of you who feel this way, I'm doing the best I can within my heart to hug you right now. I don't want to paste a smile on top of your frown. I just want to sit beside you in silence so we'll both know we aren't alone. Maybe Christmas hasn't been the "most wonderful time of the year". Maybe you don't feel "holly jolly". Maybe you won't even be "home for Christmas." Even if this season isn't what it's always been or what you've always wanted it to be, that doesn't mean you've failed or done anything wrong. You're just breaking the mold.

Look how far we've come from what we consider the first Christmas. A couple thousand years ago, Christmas didn't have a name. It didn't have assigned colors like red and green. It didn't have symbols like candy canes, wreaths, trees, nativities, or crosses. Very few people really paid the first Noel any attention. And what strikes me the most is that it involved a difficult journey, a woman in labor, and a struggling new father. It doesn't sound very merry... all except for a Savior entering a crazy world that needed Him desperately. Only He was glorious. So cling to the Savior if your Christmas is perfect, and especially if He's all you have. Whatever the case, though I can't really be there with you, that Savior already is... and not just because it's Christmas. He's with you constantly because he wants to be. Despite that schema, He came because He wanted to be with us and rescue us. That's what Christmas really is.

Desire for the World

This poem coincides with my last blog. I wrote this a few days ago.


I want to tell the world to act its age.
What's the deal with all the rage?
We should know better by now,
But we live in chaos anyhow.

I want to tell the world to share,
Teach the wealthy how to care,
Teach the able to assist the broken,
How to comfort with words unspoken.

I want to give the world a hug
Keep all the homeless safe and snug
Surprise the lonely with real love
Can anyone feel it quite enough.

I want to tell the world to hush
To give up the hurry and the rush
Go home and keep their families whole
And invest more time to feed their soul.

I want to tell the world to laugh.
It'd cut the length of wars in half
And make impoverished children smile.
It'd only take a little while.

I want to tell the world to act its age.
What's the deal with all the rage?
We should know better by now
And love each other anyhow.

The World's Charity

While surfing the web today, I found a website called The Smile Train, promoting a charity that pays for cleft lip and palate operations. Its headline "The World's Leading Cleft Charity" caught my eye. It is a rare occasion that I see my name beside a birth defect that I was actually born with. The phrase struck me close to the heart, so I took the initiative to investigate. The charity is able to perform an operation for only 250 dollars per child. My similar operation was 20 years ago, and even then it was still very expensive here in the US. 250 dollars is pennies compared to the medical bills my parents have received throughout my lifetime.

And yet 100,000 little smiles are still in need of repair. Why?

Today on TV, I saw a new airliner in which passengers can eat five-course meals, sleep in nice beds, have the covers turned down for them, and be given new pajamas, tooth-brushes, and razors. Price? $5,000 to $7,000 for a seven hour flight. That isn't even enough time for the recommended length of sleep, not considering meals and all the other amenities included in the flight, and yet, many others around the world will not sleep tonight because they are cold or hungry. Their entire day could have been comfortable for 15 cents, and yet, another person is spending $7,000 to sleep in luxury on a plane for a few hours.

I read in a magazine about a mom (author of the article) who pointed out to her young sons that the monthly bill for their high-speed Internet would be the same price as supporting a little girl in another country for a month. The boys willingly said, "Mom, don't be silly. Who would pick the cable thing?" Children sometimes have such a better grasp of reality than we spoiled adults do.

So all day, my head has spun in questions. How can there be so many wealthy people and so many impoverished people in the same world? How can a father in my hometown choose to by cigarettes instead of better clothing for his daughter? How can I witness a mother taking a pet to the vet and neglect her child from seeing a pediatrician? How can I be thrilled with the invention of a hotel on a plane when I know how many people could have been fed for the same price? How could I sit here and write with a clean conscience knowing the money I just payed for a cell phone bill could have kept an infant in Uganda from being killed only because she was born with the same birth defect that I was born with... just in a different country? How can millions of dollars be spent on fertility drugs and procedures while orphans suffer and pine to be adopted?

No answers came.

The unanswered questions are beneficial, however, because they coerce me into being inquisitive, intuitive, inventive, insightful, and eventually involved. This world needs involvement. There is greed, laziness, and ignorance in those who least expect it... like myself. Humanity is aching. What are we doing to ease its pain? The smallest things count. And how convenient it is for us that our smallest things are what others consider wealth.

Oh, if I could hug the world tonight, I would. I resolve, instead, to mold my heart, mind, and actions with these thoughts.

New Christmas Poem

I attended my home church's Christmas program tonight, which was a blessing. It's a very small church, but it's Christmas concerts are always perfectly professional. The title of this year's program was something like "No Other Name." Though so many other parents have discussed what they will name their children, it seems to me that very few claim having an angel tell them what they should name their child. Mary and Joseph were two of the lucky ones. "You are to give him the name Jesus" the angel told Mary in Luke 1:31 and Joseph in Matthew 1:21. And though some parents might believe an angel revealed the names of their children, I am certain that NO other given name grants salvation from sin but "Jesus Christ". Acts 4:12 says it this way: "Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved." How much power can one word hold? As an English major, it's my job to study words and to combine them to make powerful statements. Yet, no other word in any language's vocabulary can conjure up the power of that one word, "Jesus." There really is, "just something about that name."

And as if God wanted to prove that He was unmatchable, he not only did so by having an unbeatable name, but also by giving an unmatchable gift. I assure you that anything you give or receive this Christmas will be temporary. Whether it's a tie for your dad or a diamond ring for your girlfriend, you are incapable of giving a gift that will really last forever, no matter what that diamond commercial says. But God could, and He did through Jesus. I recently wrote this poem about that gift:


In a simple wooden box
With cloth for a bow
Was a small bundled gift
Better than all my hopes
Outnumbering all my dreams
Overpowering all my desires
Bigger than I could ever be.
He wrapped up more than my everything,
And I got it all for free.
Not even on a holiday
It was just a day
When he wrapped up redemption
And gave it to me.
It was put in a box
Yet it sets me free
A present that saves me from my past
With a divine note attached
To secure my future
By adopting me
Through a small bundled gift
Wrapping up more than everything
In a simple wooden box
With cloth for a bow.

A Long Drive

Some days, I just want to drive. Today has been one of those days, and so I decided to post this poem that I wrote about a month ago when I was in need of a long drive.



Driving through the night
Plowing through the darkness
To get to your house,
Knowing all the while
That with you, there will be light
Hoping maybe some of it will be shed on me.
The hours are long
Realizing we're both alone,
But you'll make it all worth while.
Driving in the dark
With anticipation to push me
And your heart to guide me.
I don't need a map.
Getting lost just isn't in the cards for me tonight.
How could it be?
I know the way
Because I've travelled it in my dreams
In my sleep
And in the day.
As much as music thrills my soul
With the uncountable connections to you,
The radio will not play.
A single note would break the trance.
So silently I'll plow through the darkness,
I'll drive through the night
And before morning light,
I'll be with you.

Flesh Just As Real

Last Thursday night, my 4-year-old cousin Laurel sat (or wiggled rather) in my lap throughout a Christmas program. As I held her, I realized that Jesus was just like that beautiful child with me. If I were to hold Jesus as a child, I could feel the soft skin covering bones, joints, veins, and nerves of His flesh, too. He was warm to the touch. He blinked. He yawned. He would tug at a woman's long hair or reach for shiny things.

Then I thought , "Oh, to be Mary would have been overwhelming!" I used to envy her, but now I wonder how she ever slept, or got any housework done, or took care of herself, her husband, and her other children. If Jesus Christ were in my presence and under my care 24-7, what would I do? Yes, I know that He is ever-present, but being able to see him would be so distracting... or should I say "focusing." If He weren't flawless, He'd probably get tired of me following Him around like a small puppy under His every step. I'd never eat or drink or sleep or talk other than asking questions and praising Him. I imagine this is how the disciples felt at first, particularly after they saw his first miracle, or heard his first sermon. No wonder they were devoted. But they were flawed, as I am. Though they patted him on the back, feeling that he was truly real, and watched him walk and heard him talk and saw him eat... they still got distracted. Peter and the storm, Judas and the money, Thomas and the disbelief... myself and the troubles, myself and the motives, myself and the misunderstandings... I lose focus on the Almighty God who means everything to me, and is everything to everyone.

That night, as I watched the typical nativity reenacted, it was a chance to put myself in the stable, and reach out my index finger to let Christ wrap his little hand around it to remind me of what my whole life means -- remind me that someone as real as my own flesh is still here.

Ringing Bells

Tonight, I did something that is on my long life's to-do list. I rang the Salvation Army bell.

I stood outside a grocery store in the freezing wind, wearing an apron, and ringing a very loud bell for two whole hours. Then, at the end of the night, I signed up to do it all again.

Why?

Because of the faces. I noticed that so many people were smiling. And if they weren't, a simple smile from me was all it took to make them do the same.

Why?

Because of the generosity. At least 70% of the people who passed by me gave something, whether metal or paper-style. They didn't walk away grumbling. They walked away taller. They had just helped. They probably did not really know what they helped... or maybe they did. But they gave. Giving is some sort of release for the human body, like aromatherapy or acupuncture. Tonight, I observed that dropping a coin in a pot has exactly the same effect.

Why?

Because I watched a little boy with special needs drop a handful of money in the bucket one coin at a time. It took several minutes, but there was no Christmas rush for him. I also watched an elderly couple hold hands while creeping across the parking lot. It took quite some time for them to get inside the store, not considering the time it might have taken actually shopping, but there was no holiday hurry for them. Later, I saw a man in a car roll down his window and yell nasty things at another car that had already driven away since he had been delayed for about half a second. All the while, I smiled, rang my bell, and cheered "Merry Christmas!" Why? Because I saw that little boy, and I saw that elderly couple, and what they gave was so much more appealing than what the rushed man in the hurried car was giving away.

So I signed up to do it all again.

The Charity Geyser

I'm pouring out of me.
Oh God, I'm gushing!
Slow the current--
Stop the flow--
I cannot help myself.
I cannot keep myself
From gushing.
Like a geyser,
My life is coming out
My thoughts are leaking out
My heart is rolling out
Shut my mumbling mouth
Flush my eyes with tears
Open my deafened ears
Re-stuff me, Lord,
But not with fluff.
Re-stuff me with substance
Stuff it in, and stitch it up.
Send me out,
Whole this time around.
Keep my feet on the ground.
Or else, when everything escapes,
I'll be floating,
Only floating,
With no self-control
Over my loitering lips,
My rambling thoughts,
Or my unkempt motives.
Oh God, I'm gushing again.
Make me stop!








Disclaimer: I wrote this poem earlier today. In no way should it make people stop pouring out their hearts to God and others or stop being the candid and unique people God created them to be. However, there are times meant for reservation, yet sometimes I struggle with restraint. This is a prayer that God enhances my self-control. Even passion for life can be a hindrance at times to the will God has for that life.

Thanks!

I know that I'm a little late on the Thanksgiving theme. Most other times, I'm pretty punctual, so just humor me this time around!

I was studying gratitude in psychology (how convenient for the holidays, right?), and the professor asked us to make a list of things for which we were thankful. Despite it's ease, this was not an elementary assignment. It was meant to show us that after making such a list, we would physically feel better.

I wrote several things, and surprisingly, at the end, he was right. I was smiling. Here's the exact replica... (If you aren't here, that doesn't mean that I'm not thankful for you, it means that he only gave us 2 minutes of his precious class-time.)


I AM THANKFUL FOR:

Learning
Corey
Melissa B.
Marla & Steph
My mom
My dad
NGU
Dr. Epting
Fun professors
Books
Words
Friends
Hugs
Scripture
My car
Sleep
Smiles
Godly advice
Babies
Youtube


Yes, it's random, probably because we were also studying association methods. However, he also assigned for us to write thank-you letters. I'm not dreading that at all. I also think my Christmas cards this year will be thank-you cards instead.


"Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name;
make known among the nations what he has done."
1 Chronicles 16:8
"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever."
1 Chronicles 16:34
"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts,
since as members of one body you were called to peace.
And be thankful."
Colossians 3:15
"Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful."
Colossians 4:2


Be thankful today. For everything. Then go a step further, and praise the Lord, maybe even to other people. See what happens.

Dream of a Lifetime

Over the Thanksgiving break, I have been thinking about my dreams. Being single is never so agonizingly hopeful as it is during the holidays. I use this oxymoron because it is truly a bittersweet sensation, watching the grandness of life then praying it happens to you, too.

Last night, I told one of my best friends that as she makes a huge new change in her life, she should have a strong vision of what she wants with room to let God change that vision to accommodate whatever He wants. I now realize that this advice was only an echo of what the Lord has taught me lately.Throughout the last few years, I have simultaneously lost sight of my dreams and formed them. The things I dreamed for myself in high school are now vapors of the past, but the dreams that I let God spin around in my mind since then are more concrete now than ever, and I feel Him behind me, supporting me in my pursuit of them.

The holidays make me dream. It is sometimes a struggle to discern which dreams are mine and which are revelations of the will of God. Maybe there is a mixture in what I have now. I pray that only God's dreams for me come true, but I can only share that mixture of my dreams and leave it up to the future to decide which of those are meant to be reality.

The clearest picture I have to offer of my dreams are examples of those dreams in real people's lives, which I will dispense now.

For a paper on Louisa May Alcott, I have been reading her novel LITTLE MEN, about a boarding house for abandoned boys. The book is an account of brawls, runaways, boats, dogs, frogs, bruises, scrapes, dirt, and a whole lot of love. The house at Plumfield is a square old white house, but also a refuge for the weary. The mother and father make a wonderful combination for raising a dozen boys in a well-rounded atmosphere. Call me crazy, but that atmosphere is my dream.

My cousin, Cristy, has three rambunctious sons of various ages, and three equally rowdy nephews. She is beautiful. She is classic. She is strong, yet still smiles. She lives in a house that is a hundred years old and has redecorated it superbly. My family met at her place on Thanksgiving night. The only word I can think to describe this feeling I get from her home is bustling. Call me crazy, but this word is my dream.

Last night, I read a magazine article by a columnist/mother-of-four-boys. She had only an hour to pen a well-written article for a well-known magazine before she picked up her children from school, and still she said she could not wait until 3pm when they would be home again. The picture beside her words was of her with her four boys huddled close, a spouting water hose, and a wet spotted dog. Call me crazy, but this picture is my dream.

These dreams may seem insane to some. These dreams could be changed in an instant. But that's the point -- I don't want them to be too solid. I want God to have room to mold. But, I also realize that He has already molded them thus far, and they get closer to reality in each passing moment. These dreams are the middle of an unfinished project, so that what He is molding becomes clearer every day. Because of what He has already formed, this hope is not too unbearably agonizing. It's merely mesmerizing. I'm on the edge... I'm on my knees... anticipating.

Sneak Peek

In 1 Samuel 12, the people of God were being firmly reprimanded by God's appointed judge Samuel. He told them that they asked for hard times by asking for a king instead of being content to be ruled by the judges. The ignorant people probably brushed away his words like dust on a mantel. However, Samuel continued telling them how they could avoid the punishments: "'Do not be afraid, ...Do not turn away from the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your heart. ... Fear the lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart'" (1 Samuel 12:20, 24). But the wise people, who believed because they had seen Samuel's words come true before, were probably on the edge of their seat in wonder of what was about to happen.

Do you ever felt that way about what God was about to do? Hopefully it isn't His wrath you are awaiting, but it could be something He seems to have promised you over and over. Still, you just can't get the full picture. I feel this way lately, like a kid with his nose against the TV screen, only seeing pixelated lights and none of the real picture. I feel as if I am driving around a curve that won't seem to end. What is around it!? This curiosity compels me to keep serving and keep growing in the Lord. It also can make me impatiently rush and push too soon.

In reply to this feeling for those people and to me today, Samuel tells his listeners in verse 16, "Stand still and see this great thing the Lord is about to do before your eyes!"

My suite-mates and I went to Chick-fil-a very early one morning last week. In His own way, God said "Charity, stand still and see this great thing I'm about to do in your life, right here, right before your eyes!" when He placed a big clear rainbow in the sky. Now, please don't think I'm cheesy. I've seen rainbows before, but never like this. Never so bold, never the entire rainbow, and never without rain and clouds. He spoke to my heart through it, telling me, just as he told Noah, "Everything will be okay." And in the quiet, I stood still, receiving his peace about my current circumstances. I keep forgetting that God can reveal so much without me moving a muscle.


"In the quiet, in the stillness, I know that you are God. In the secret of Your presence, I know there I am restored." -"None But Jesus" Hillsong

" When I stand in that place, free at last, meeting face to face, I am Yours, Jesus, You are mine. Endless joy, perfect peace." -"Happy Day" Tim Hughes


Thank you, Lord, for stillness and sneak peeks of Your glory.

I Just Realized That...

I tip my waiters and waitresses fifteen percent at restaurants, yet...



Does God get even ten percent of me?

The Finish Line

I didn't make it.

In my post called "Facebook Fast," I explained that I would not be on Facebook for an entire week. It was planned to be from last Wednesday night until tomorrow (Wednesday) night.

I didn't make it.

I lost my cell phone on Sunday morning. My suitemates were gone. I had been alone most of the weekend. I never thought I could feel so alone-- not really "alone", just deprived of communication.

Without my cell phone, I had no alarm, but I woke early Monday morning in a cold sweat from a nightmare. I realized no one was there, and I had no way to contact anyone. I thought of Jesus, not really a prayer, but a semi-conscious awareness of his presence. Forgive my brief humanity, but He seemed not enough. I was still partially asleep as I sat straight up, pulled my laptop to me, and clicked the link to Facebook in a desperate attempt to have a connection outside my empty dorm.

I didn't make it.

One week was all that was required. However, I had forgotten how quiet and lonely weekends on campus are. And now, I realize, I had forgotten how important community and communication are, even communication that isn't face-to-face. I was starved of people.

Later, I realized the repercussions of my impulsive action -- not keeping my word to myself or my friends was wrong -- but I still learned. The issue wasn't that Jesus wasn't enough that morning. He is always enough. The issue was what he was trying to teach me. We NEED each other. I don't need Facebook. I don't need a cell phone. But I do need people. My closest friends, my good friends, my distant friends, my acquaintances, and even people I haven't met -- I need all of them, because God placed them there for His purposes.

I also learned that sometimes we give up too quickly. I only had two days left to keep my word, but I couldn't see the finish line. Similarly, school is so demanding right now. There are more assignments than I could possibly make time to do as well as I would like. Thanksgiving Break is a week away, and Christmas Break is a week after that. I'm so close to finishing, but I feel like I should have a break and a rest right now. I will never get the momentum back up for myself with so little time left. All motivation for the remaining two weeks of classes will come from Christ alone. After I sprint through the ribbon at the end, I'll be proud of Him. Not myself. I fail. I am needy. I am weak. I sometimes don't keep my promises.

I didn't make it.
But He does.

Radio Surfing

I am notorious for radio-station surfing. I skip from one programmed station to another until I find actual singing and not speaking. If, by some catastrophe of media, all my programmed stations are talking and not playing what they should (SONGS!), then I scan through random stations that I don't know. This catastrophic event took place tonight, but instead of being disappointed by not knowing the other stations, I was blessed by a new song. I stopped scanning because the song started with soft and easy piano. But when the words poured in, I was mesmerized. When I came back to the dorm to look up the lyrics, I realized that it was a poem by William Cowper before it was a song. There's such peace in it's resolution. It touched my heart 300 years after it was written. I hope it touches yours, too.



God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.
Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sov’reign will.
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flow’r.
Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.

-William Cowper, 1774

Facebook Fast

Last night, I was chatting online with a good friend who had decided to give up checking facebook for a week. I decided to join him. What would it hurt?

I'm already having withdrawals. I didn't realize how often I checked it. But, taking facebook away from myself has given me time to write a speech, empty out all sorts of emails that had built up over the school year, and start on a paper that is due in a few weeks -- and that's only in a few hours. There are several other things I plan on doing with all the extra time... like clean off this mess of a desk I'm sitting in right now.

For those of you who know me, this week would be a great time to call, since one large source of communication is absent. The good thing is, I'm not dependent on it, and I'll still be busy. I'd like to encourage you all to join me in attempting something new, though small, this week. It's an adventure and tests your psyche. Let me know what you try.

Feel the Oldies

I chose to blog today, not because I feel like blogging, but because if I were to stop, it might be indefinitely. So I chose to blog today. I'm supposed to write. I'm made to write.


I'll just share some quotes from oldies music I was listening to on Sunday.

"A little bit of love goes a long, long way." -Wynonna

"My mama taught me how to stand alone. She let me go but she still holds on, and I can still feel all of that love from here." -Wynonna

"Better to shower the people you love with love. Show them the way that you feel." -James Taylor

"I walked out this morning, and I wrote down this song. I just can't remember who to send it to." -James Taylor

"We are bound together by the task that stands before us and the road that lies ahead. There is a feeling like the clenching of a fist. There is a hunger in the center of the chest. There is a passage through the darkness and the mist. Though the body sleeps, the heart will never rest." -James Taylor

"A little bit of her was a little too much." -James Taylor

"Whenever I see your smiling face, I have to smile myself, because I love you." -James Taylor

"They say in every life... the rain must fall. ....Love... is sunshine." -James Taylor

Living For God

Today was one of those days between Bible Studies when I didn't really know what to read, so I just fanned the thin and worn pages until I found something that made me stop. In hopes to keep my scripture reading intentional, I don't do that often, but when I do, I search for groups of words or lots of highlighting. The passage that I found this afternoon, 1 Peter 4: 1-11, had both. The bold-print section heading read "LIVING FOR GOD." I'd like to share some quotes and thoughts, as always (in NIV again)...


"Since, Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin. As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God." (v. 1-2)

Christ suffered for us. Whatever attitude that required of him, we should have the same one. I love that "done with sin." It's like finishing a long and tedious English paper, and at the end, you leave the desk and stretch and say "Yes! I'm DONE with that!" Then the art of living the rest of your earthly life for the will of God. Wow. I want to master that art.

"Be clear minded and self-controlled, so that you can pray." (v. 7)

This seems like a good verse to think about just before spending some real quality time talking to Jesus. Sometimes the girls and I in the Cline Lifeline Bible study get so tickled about something that happened that day, that we have to refocus before we go to God in prayer, clearing the giggles out of our mind, controlling the hilarious girly thoughts about whatever happened that day, and just coming freely and ready to God for whatever He wants to do in that time.

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality... without grumbling." (v. 8-9)

I've always dreamed of a big white house in the country with all my kids friends being welcome anytime to play and eat -- heaven on earth to me. That dream is the essence of the feeling I get from reading these verses... abounding love and hospitality.

"If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God." (v. 10)

If I lived by this verse, how much more silent would I become?

Living for God seems different now.

Only See

This is the closest thing to satire I have ever written. (Written on October 18, 2007)



I see them hurting.
And I can tell you all about their pain.
I watch their tears in storms like rain.
I see them crying
But from inside my bubble
There's just enough distance to save me from trouble.
I see them begging.
Though I don't want to hear
So to keep from feeling, I won't go near.
I see them bleeding.
It must be contagious.
Reaching out to touch would be outrageous.
I see them needing
With desperate hearts open wide.
Yet I cannot help in all my pride.
But I see them hurting.

One Word that Cripples Christianity

So many words come in and out of the English language. Some fad words are good, others are bad, and still others begin well but acquire negative connotations after they have been used regularly. This latter type can be dangerous, not from the start, but after being merged with our vocabulary and slowly eased way into everyday language before we realize the negative psychological effect. By then, we have the slightest clue how our words, thoughts and actions became what they are.

One of these words has become increasingly common. AWKWARD. I was first introduced to this word by a group of friends through a joke. It was funny, and even had a catchy little hand gesture. I didn't hear it any more, however, until I lived with a couple of girls in Charlotte, who used it very often. That summer was when the pithy joke became a debate within myself of whether or not I wanted to add the word "awkward" to my own language.

Since then, through circumstances, observations, and scripture, I have personally been convicted about the uses of this word. I do not claim to have it all figured out, but I know what I know and this I will share.

Recently, someone told me that they would rather another person not show up to an event because it would be "awkward." I felt a knife penetrate my heart with those words. I don't want to only speak out to that someone, but to all of us who are tempted by similar tendencies. What have modern Christians become that we intentionally shut out opportunities to share time with others because of our selfish attachment to comfortable situations? And have we become so self-absorbed that we develop preconceived notions before entering even mundane circumstances, merely by telling ourselves it might be "awkward?"

Surely, as the beaten, robbed, and abandoned man lay on the side of the road in Luke 10, both the priest and the Levite passed by thinking to themselves that it might seem "awkward" to be seen helping him. Yet, it must not have even crossed the mind of the Good Samaritan's that bandaging a stranger's wounds, putting the man on the Samaritan's own donkey, and staying in an inn to nurse him back to health with not so much as a proper introduction to the man he was helping could ever be an "awkward" situation. And had he thought such a thing, it is doubtful that he said a word about it in respect for the hurting one.

What if the mother of the precious Savior and Redeemer of the world had refused the bear a holy child in such an "awkward" situation? What if marrying Mary had seemed far too "awkward" to Joseph? What if scorn by the world had been so "awkward" for Jesus Christ that he refused to have mercy on the people who were scoffing him and would be mocking him through the decades until the time we now live in?

And now, do we shut others out of our lives merely because we are afraid they will make the rest of us uncomfortable?

Situations ARE awkward. Media makes their living off of comedic awkward irony. Not to say that it is wrong to watch such shows or read such commentary, but who are we to brush off those real-life situations as a weird happenstance, when the truth is that God Almighty could see them as priceless opportunities? The word "awkward" is not the problem, but the attitude that has been associated with it is crippling Christianity itself. We have backed down, backed away, and backed off because society says some circumstances may be harder to deal with than others and we aren't confident that we are ready to deal with them at all. To be desensitized so intensely that it decreases how many people we are able to reach as Believers is the saddest idea of all humanity.

In Christ Alone

During the Romans Bible Study I've been leading, I have learned so much about the Christian life in general. The purpose of Christ and His purpose for us becomes so clear within the chapters of that book. It has also enhanced my worship, because, now, all the songs make more sense than ever before. Here is one that simply takes my breath away no matter how many times I hear it. These lyrics are the message of the gospel and the hope within us who have Jesus. Nothing else keeps me standing but Christ's strength. Nothing else keeps me bowing but His righteousness. Nothing else keeps me dancing but His hope, nothing else keeps me singing but His grace and mercy. Nothing else keeps me living but His conquering of death.





In Christ alone my hope is found.
He is my light, my strength, my song.
This Cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love! What depths of peace!
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All,
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, who took on flesh--
Fullness of God in helpless babe.
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
'Till on that cross, as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied.
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain.
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again.
And as He stands in VICTORY
Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me
For I am His and He is mine,
Brought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death--
This is the power of Christ in me.
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.
(Stuart Townend)

Tainted Love

"If this is giving up then I'm giving up on love. I'm not up for being a victim of love." (Anna Nalick)

These words were my day-to-day motto a few short months ago. I'm still struggling to push through that mindset.

So many males have changed their minds about loving me. They either loved me and then stopped, or told me that they loved me and disproved their own claim with contradicting actions. The only faithful and constant men in my life have been my earthly father and my heavenly Father. Yes, I'm a daddy's girl. I would trust Gary Yost with my life and everything in it. I go to him for admiration, affirmation, and advice. I know he would do anything for me. He tells me so. And I love my Lord so much that it hurts sometimes. I would do anything for Him. I'm overwhelmed with wanting to please Him. My entire life is His.



This sets a high standard for the guys in my life, because whoever God has planned for me to spend the rest of my life partnered with will have to love my Jesus just as much as I do. This can put up some borders for relationships.

I asked one of my close friends for advice about a guy the other day. That confidant basically said that I love Jesus too much and that He was getting in the way of my dating life.

At first, I was too shocked to respond. Then, I was hugely offended, mad, disappointed, and above all sad.

"LOVE YOU TOO MUCH!?" I screamed to Christ in the car on the way home. I was livid and affronted. What kind of tainted views does my friend have?! Jesus Christ could easily have come to earth and kicked back like a lazy bum and let me never experience peace or salvation or freedom or real life, but instead He looked at my confused drama and said, let me help. So He DIED for me. DIED. Death and all that went along with it -- pain, suffering, bleeding, sweating, yelling, suffocating, with nails, a cross, and a death march up Golgotha. For ME! And you think I love HIM too much!? I'm still living! Even martyrdom could not express the love between my Redeemer and me. He loves me way too much. I wouldn't even love myself that much. In Malachi 1:2, God said "I love you" and He meant it. I said "Really? How?"And He showed me. And whenever I stoop so low to think maybe He'll be just like the rest and stop loving me, he says "I the Lord do not change." (Malachi 3:6) And I love Him even more for it. So if loving Jesus too much "gets in the way of my dating life," let it be so -- amen?

Give me one example of what someone can do to love God too much? Seriously? What beats death? Oh wait.... Jesus did that too.

Grass

Let's lie in the grass
And let the bugs
And the dirt
And the sun
Have their way with our skin
As we pretend to doze
On the wavy green sea, glowing in the daylight
Like my heart, glistening beneath your words.
Away from here, when the grass isn't tickling my toes
I question your sincerity,
But somehow, the beating sun,
The biting creatures
The sticking blades
Make you softer.
The silence makes you louder.
The open space makes you closer.
And the daylight makes you more obscure.
I want to hear you
Feel you
Understand you.
But not now.
Now, let's just lie in the grass.

(My poetry, 10-14-07)

To Whomever May Interpret

Though I sleep very soundly, I rarely remember my dreams. However, I woke one morning with this dream still running through my mind.


I don't know what city I was in, but I know that it wasn't my hometown. I was in a large building, that seemed much like a church, when someone yelled "FIRE." I dreamed that I could see flames at the edges of my peripheral vision, but I wasn't afraid, only compelled to act. Suddenly, all the older adults brought children to me, then they exited the building. The children were different shapes and sizes, but all of them were black and around a year old. I had one in each arm, and several more nestled around me. Their clothes were tarnished in soot and ashes, ripped and hanging from them, but they weren't crying. Still, I could see fear and hurt in their eyes. Yet more than their fear, I saw their trust in me, or anyone not so powerless as they. I had previous knowledge that their parents had died in the fire and no one else wanted to be in this place with them. Somehow, I wound up in the center of the building, still burdened by the weight of several children in my arms and around my feet. The building wasn't burning down completely, only burning indefinitely. I oddly felt urgency amidst the sanctuary, but the urgency had changed from one of protection of the endangered and helpless, but the urgency to show others. It was an auditorium full of middle-aged white people and their nicely-dressed white children. I stood motionless and speechless in front of the crowd, as if the mere spectacle of myself and my orphans would bring change in their minds.

I have tried to interpret this since that night. I have come to several conclusions. Some make me cringe. Others make my heart hope for the future God has prepared for me. I am open to other interpretations. Please share.

"Here's To the You That I Thought Was Me"

In the beginning of my junior year of highschool, I fell in love. It was real. Yet, within the next two years, nothing became of it.

My heart broke.

In last season's finale of Grey’s Anatomy, Christina was left at the altar on her wedding day. Later as she was ripping away her elegant wedding dress, she said something to the effect of "He’s gone! I’m free!" through tears and laughter. My fellow Grey’s Anatomy fans told me how confused they were by this contradiction. Christina loved Burke. How could she be happy that he was gone?

But I immediately understood.

I had been so in love with the aforementioned person that I would do anything possible for him, and more. My life was about being what he wanted and what I was sure that I wanted. I rescheduled my life’s agenda to fit his.

When those are the only facts that someone knows about our relationship – that I changed who I was for him – I’m sure they think I’m weak and shallow.

That is not true. In some ways, I was stronger and more stubborn then than I am now. At the start of my junior year, it wasn’t a "melt at his touch" or "succumb to his every demand" type of relationship. However, by the end of that summer, it was. So what happened in between? Whatever it was, it didn’t work. He never gave me the devotion I unfailingly offered to him with every thought and breath. It had been a process of total submission. And when he left, I found myself submitting to a vacuum. I was still morally the same person that I had been before, in actions anyway, except I had emptied myself of myself. Instead of filling the void with Christ, I had filled it with another one of Christ’s children... and a strayed one at that. What was it that kept drawing me so close to him even though he wasn’t moving at all?

I heard these lyrics by Casting Crowns, and my question was answered:

It’s a slow fade
When you give yourself away.
It’s a slow fade
When black and white are turned to gray.
Thoughts invade.
Choices are made.
A price will be paid
When you give yourself away.
People never crumble in a day.

I had slowly let him invade my thoughts and dominate my choices. Then the price I paid was a broken heart. And after I crumbled, it was a "slow fade" back into Jesus’ arms, as well -- so slow that I didn’t realized I wasn’t ruled by that person until I heard from him last week. Christina’s words came back, but this time I heard them in my own voice... through tears and laughter– "He’s gone. I’m free." And I discovered that a love even more real had gained victory over the vacuum of my heart.

Gain

"But godliness with contentment is great gain." -1 Timothy 6:6

This has become my verse for singleness. Of course, I will want to remember this whenever I am dating or married, too, but it is particularly encouraging to me in this time.

Godliness and contentment. These are not very powerful words when merely read. They are not words like "love" or "death" or "abortion" or "American" which instantly invoke strong emotion. But these two words are infinitely influential when we contemplate how difficult they are to attain.

Godliness - being divine; showing reverence to God; being like God

Contentment - happiness in any situation

How easy are those? Not very. Living the right kind of life is tough enough. It is also difficult to feel even a spark of cheer when we watch our loved ones suffer, or if we are in pain. Where is the "Easy" button!? Can't I just skip the godly-and-content part?

And yet, I do not seriously consider skipping that part. I know that these are the only ways to get me where I should be. I don't want to push a big red button, then look back on these long years and say "That was easy!" I want to look back and say "That was worth it."

... I nearly ended this blog right there, but when I went back to the start to review... the verse changed my mind. "Godliness with contentment is great gain."

Uh oh. Maybe I read too deeply into that... or too shallowly. Very possibly. When I first read this, my subconscious definition of "gain" was self-centered. I automatically viewed "gain" as getting what I envisioned for myself in life (boyfriend, husband, family) without considering the absolute definition. "Gain" was also defined in the Bible as death.

Yes, death. Paul said "For me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain" (Phil. 1:21). ...So, stronger words really are involved in 1 Timothy 6:6 when godliness and contentment are set equal to gain. It's just as serious as "American," "abortion," "love," or "death" itself.

I'm not saying "Be godly and content, then you'll die." But I am saying that striving to be like God and finding happiness in every moment will get me closer to the will God has written for my life. No matter if His will is love or death or something in between, it is assuredly "good, pleasing and perfect" (Rom. 12:2). Whatever happens, I am promised to be gaining, and that's something I can live with.

"I'd Like to Buy The World a Coke"

I gave a speech on Coca-Cola this morning. My close Coke-drinking buddies (Paul, Corey, Ben, Neal, Tim, I love you all) have spurred me onward in my pursuit of happiness in the Coca-Cola-enhanced lifestyle. I bought 24 Cokes ("I'd Like to Buy the World a Coke" - 1971 slogan.) to distribute to my speech class. The red labels shined in the morning sun. The cold bottles were fogging over in the red plastic carton. I bumped into a doorframe, and all 24 bottles formed tiny bubbles of carbonation around the top rim. I don't even drink Coke, but it brightens my heart to see it. I have discovered that I am enamored by how Coke's appearance. Red, white, black, and yellow are my absolute favorite colors, thus Coke matches almost everything that I own. ("Red, white, and you" - 1986 slogan.) I love the feeling from Coca-Cola advertising, too -- all smiles and unity.

Yes, of course, world unity is fantacy-made. My inner peace, tranquility, happiness, and contentment come from Jesus Christ. He's the real thing. ("It's the real thing. - 1969 slogan.) But Coca-Cola makes me smile, and I'm sure God smiles when His child does. Have a Coke, and a smile (1979). Enjoy (2000).





Here's a meaningless poem I wrote in my freshman year of highschool. Enjoy!

You pop it open.
You read its slogan.
It shoots like a hose
Right up your nose.
You giggle a little
And laugh til you spittle.
You shake it around,
And then you get drowned.
Please don't smoke--
Just have a Coke.

Valiant Men

1 Samuel 10:26 says that Saul was "accompanied by valiant men whose hearts God had touched." Saul had burried himself in cowardice during the last blog, but atleast he got something right. Saul was surrounded by valiant people -- guys with wisdom and courage. These guys had good character and God had touched their hearts. Not touched by an angel, but by the Almighty Himself, and DEEP, in the core of their being.

This verse brings a huge smile to my face. I have been blessed with innumerable friends, but the greatest blessings I have recieved are the few faces that grace my mind when I think "valiant" or "whose hearts God had touched." These elite few are my Entourage -- godly people strategically placed in my life to fulfill Christ's mission. (See the Entourage sermon series at Elevationchurch.org.). Saul had his entourage already set up so that when troublemakers came (v. 27), he simply kept quiet. They picked on him, but they didn't get to him because of the confidence that had been built up by the support of his valiant friends.

This concept has changed my vocabulary. When I looked up valor in a dictionary, it said "the qualities of a hero or heroine; exceptional or heroic courage when facing danger (especially in battle)." My entourage isn't my "Best friends." It may be an elementary school complex for me, but even so, the term "best" seems isolated to only two people. " My new term is "Valiant Friends." Valor unifies and denotes a common goal already established for the group as a whole. The goal of the group as well as the individuals within it is to be led and touched by God. I need friends who are willing to fight with me for a noble cause.

To the valiant men (and women) in my life : I admire you, and I am with you. Let's get this job done.

Where Are You Hiding?

When God told Samuel to choose a king for the people (I Samuel 8:22), he chose Saul (10:21). But the people could not find Saul anywhere. The Lord pointed out that Saul had "hidden himself among the baggage" (10:22). Saul had just been appointed King, and he was hiding himself!?

I read this verse in the same week that I embraced my call to ministry and missions. I realized that I had been hiding, too. I wasn't hiding from God, but I was changing the subject every time He began to speak to me about His calling on my life. I have been called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). Why would I hide like Saul!? I have fate written all over me. I had to ask myself what baggage was holding me back from God's will? It was not fear of the task...I'm NOT afraid of my calling to ministry. It wasn't shame either. I am NOT ashamed of the gospel (Romans 1:16). I found the baggage that I cowered behind was the writer in me. I want to write my own cool story with my life, so I often forget that the Author of my Salvation (Hebrews 2:10) is striving for perfection already. My wants get in the way of His storyline, which is so much better than I could ever write. I'm worried about carrying my baggage of authorship and not about the burden of the lost world surrounding me.

How many of us who have been called hide in our meaningless baggage? How long do we bury ourselves in fear that another burden called "commitment" or "dedication" will be added, when truthfully, if we claim the one burden that Christ has for this world that He loves, He will rid us of all other baggage. It will be present, but it won't be so heavy. We will have many of the same everyday responsibilities (family, church, work, bills, school, etc.) but they will be lighter because Jesus holds those burdens and assists us so that we can live the life He has called us to live.

Climb out from behind all that baggage. Leave it, and walk into your appointed position. For Saul, it was specifically kingship -- ruling a nation. For everyone, it's simply trust and obey.

We Want More Samuel

...Picking up in chapter eight of First Samuel....

Samuel was very upset that the people were rejecting him as their God-appointed judge. They were begging for a king like the other countries had. It was a "Greener on the other side" complex. Nothing was going downhill in Israel, so why did they covet another style? Samuel did not enjoy watching their discontent hearts. I'm sure he was feeling like a failure though he'd done nothing wrong. But God comforted him by saying, "It is not you they have rejected, but they have rejected me as their king" (8:7).

Have we rejected God by rejecting His leaders? As students? As Americans? As Christians? There are many great leaders today, just like Samuel, but are we letting them lead? Or are we constantly looking for a new leader? And in that searching, are we begging for something that we don't even know we are getting ourselves into? We are a world that focuses on leadership abilities, but are our follower qualities also in check?

This verse is a teaser for the outcome: "The wicked are edgy with guilt, ready to run off, even when no one's after them; Honest people are relaxed and confident, bold as lions. When the country is in chaos, everybody has a plan to fix it-- but it takes a leader of real understanding to straighten things out." Proverbs 28:1-2 MSG

This Is An Emergency

In the past two weeks, I have witnessed three people being hauled into ambulances at separate times. First, on the way to a family reunion as traffic came to a dead stop in the mountains for an hour and a half for a motorcycle accident only about a half a mile ahead. Second, on the very next day as I was hiking, I watched one of my closest friends fall nearly 30 feet from a boulder then airlifted to GMH. And, thirdly, just last night, as I was watching my college football team, one of our players was taken off the field in an ambulance after a nasty tackle. In all these recent emergency situations, one thing grabbed my attention-- the unity of the witnesses.

In the first incident, all ethnicities, ages, and genders got out of their cars to see what was happening. Several made their way closer to see if they could help. They spread news from car to car about what they saw and knew. They called their families to suggest detours. -- Unity in chaos.

When my friend Ben fell, the three other friends whom I was with gathered around him and determined to get him out of the gorge. Strangers, a nurse, a Navy doctor, and two seemingly average guys came off the trails to help in any way they could. Everyone was on alert and of one mind to get Ben to a better area. -- Unity in chaos.

And last night, as one of our players fell hard on the field, the stands were silent and waiting, as if we were straining to hear his heartbeat in reassurance of his safety. Both teams stood praying on the sidelines. The administration gathered to make quick decisions. The EMS huddled around the stretcher near the end zone. We waited until he was on his way to the hospital, and then the game continued as planned. -- Unity in chaos.

Maybe it is simply human epinephrine ("adrenaline") that is kicked into action like a mother giving her life for her child. Maybe it's some leadership in all of us that takes charge and finds the moral thing to do in desperate situations like the heroes of 9-11. Either way, it happens often, and it comes so smoothly and swiftly that it must be natural. So when will this urgent mindset become part of our constant thought as Christians? Eternity is at stake. Lives are on the line. This is an emergency.

The Other Ark... (not the boat)

The Israelites and the Philistines seemed to always be battling in First Samuel. Chapter four through seven depicts one of those battles.

When the highly-respected Ark of the Covenant was carried into the Israelites' camp, the Israelites started yelling and singing praises and making this huge uproar, so much that the very ground they stood on began shaking and the Philistines heard and wondered what had gotten into them. The Philistines figured out that the ark had done this and stole the ark. Eli (you know him... he's the guy who took care of Samuel in my last overview) had two sons who were in charge of the ark. They both died when the ark was stolen. When news of this reached Eli, he fell in shock, broke his neck, and died as well. Also, his daughter-in-law who was pregnant at the time, went into labor and died.

Now, I know you're thinking "What in the world? These people are going crazy!" But really, the Ark was an extremely important possession. It held important artifacts of the Hebrews' faith and was structured by God himself, just like the temple was.

The Philistines, however, had no respect for the ark, and placed it in the temple of their pagan god, Dagon. When the Philistines awakened the next morning, Dagon had fallen on its face before the ark. The Philistines set it upright again, but when they saw Dagon later, it had fallen down on its face and his head and hands had busted off and lay on the threshold. From that day, no one stepped on the threshold of Dagon's temple.

Each time the Philistine's relocated the ark, destruction came to that city. Eventually, the Philistines surrendered the Ark of the Covenant back to Israel.


I wonder where our passion and urgency is.... our respect and awe.

Extraordinary

I apologize for the past few days that I have not posted blogs. So many things have happened, and I promise that I will update for you as soon as I have time to recollect my thoughts and put them in blog-format.

But as for now, I just want you to know that God has been extraordinary in the past few days. Of course He always is, but at times, He reveals His awesomeness so vividly that we are incapable of doing anything more than standing back and watching Him.

While I'm organizing my creativity into an explanation of the last couple days, here's an old poem of mine.

Life Extraordinary (4-11-07)

They ask
"Who would choose a life like this?
Giving up your own power
To gain someone else's freedom?"
And I find myself raising my hand.

"Who would lose the world
To gain a purer soul?
Who would dedicate the one life they have
To gain a life never seen?"
And I find myself taking a stand.

"Who would put themselves
Through tremendous suffering
And then strip away popularity?"
And I find myself stepping out of the crowd.

"Who would choose to love
Someone they've never even seen
--Choose living an entire lifetime
As a slave to that one love?
And I find myself surrendering on my knees.

"That's my life!" I scream.
And I find myself whispering, "But it was His, too."

It's Story Time, Kids

Over the Labor Day long-weekend, my major assignment was to tell a Bible story in Spanish. Since it happened to be one of my favorites, I will share the English variation here.

Once upon a time, there was a family -- husband, wife, and two sons. The wife's name was Naomi (which means "pleasant"). There was a famine in their land, so the family moved to Moab. Shortly after, Naomi's husband passed away. Her two sons later married girls named Orpah and Ruth. But soon, Naomi's sons died, as well. The three mourning widows had no source of income or protection. Naomi told her two daughters-in-law to leave her and move back to their parents' land to find new husbands who could provide for and take care of them. At first, both of the younger women cried and said they would take Naomi back to her family and be with her instead. But Naomi was strong and stubborn. She argued that she would not have any more sons for the girls to marry. Orpah agreed and left Naomi.

Ruth, however, would not be persuaded. She refused to leave Naomi's side, giving a verbal contract that is now common for wedding ceremonies, and I assure you will be used in mine -- "Where you go, I will go, and where you stay, I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me" (Ruth 1:16-17). These words make my eyes burn with tears, no matter how often I read them.

Naomi and Ruth traveled back to Bethlehem to find Naomi's family during the harvesting time of year. One of Naomi's late husband's relatives, Boaz, owned a field. From my understanding of the story, Ruth sneaked into the fields after everyone had already harvested, and picked up all the leftovers in hopes that it would be enough for her and Naomi. Boaz noticed her and asked one of his men to bring her to him. Boaz told Ruth that he didn't want her to work in anyone else's field, only his. He commanded all the men who worked for him not to lay a hand on her or even rebuke her as she worked. (I know some feminist readers may disagree, but as for me, that kind of protection is pretty sexy.) Ruth was surprised at his kindness and bowed at his feet in gratitude. She boldly expressed her curiosity to him, however, asking why he had paid attention to her, a stranger. Boaz explained that he admired her for her hard, dedicated work, the kindness she had shown selflessly and sacrificially to her mother-in-law, and told her that he hoped the Lord would find it best to use him to bless her. (WOW!) Then Boaz asked her to dinner. After she had left, he told his men to leave more wheat behind for her without letting her know. (How sweet!)

When Ruth told Naomi how nice Boaz had been, Naomi planned for Ruth to dress (and smell) nicely and go visit Boaz one night. Naomi called Boaz the "kinsman-redeemer." I particularly love the peculiarity of that phrase.... sometimes used in reference to Christ.

So Ruth visits Boaz in the night. I don't think it was anything scandalous. It seemed more sweet and serving. It says that she uncovered his feet (compared maybe to taking off his work shoes?) after a long day then slept at his feet. Boaz was so taken aback by her kindness that he called her "Eishet Hayil." This name is only used twice in the Bible. The other time that "Eishet Hayil" is used is in Proverbs 31 when the actual meaning is given... hence, Ruth is the only woman in the Bible specifically stated to be a "Woman of Noble Character."

Ultimately, Boaz was so happy that Ruth had chosen him instead of the younger guys on his property. Another man actually WAS supposed to purchase Naomi's property and subsequently marry Ruth, but something else came up and the man said to Boaz, "Buy it yourself." What a God thing!!!

And yet, the neatest thing about this entire story is that after Boaz and Ruth were married, they had a son ("Obed") who grew up and had a son ("Jesse") whose son was David. Yeah, that's right. DAVID! The king! The "Man After God's Own Heart." The one I've been attempting to talk about from First Samuel.... The Beginning of the line of the MESSIAH.

Astronomy Mishaps

Two nights ago, I had the notion that Mars would be the brightest ever in years, and never so bright again for hundreds of years. I had recieved an email about it and heard a few of my friends discussing it. I told my suitemate Candice about it, and she was super-excited to go watch. I sent her out at midnight with a friend to look for it. She called a few moments later.

There was nothing to see. They had gazed from all over campus, and all they had seen was typical starlight.

I decided to look it up online from my room, and the information I found was ironically startling. The true date of the planet's brilliance had been August 2003! I felt ridiculously gullible but laughed a cleansing chuckle and appologized for wasting Candice's valuable time.

Today, however, at 5 a.m., there was another event in the heavens -- a lunar eclipse. I sat on the curb in front of my dorm, talking to my best guy friend Corey, and watching as the moon slowly disappeared.

When I was thinking about it later during classes, it reminded me of an old song that I feel all to closely relates to my life. I haven't decided if it relates to now, or in the recent past. Or maybe, it relates to my near future. But it definitely speaks to me about myself.

"Every now and then I get a little bit lonely... I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears ...I get a little bit restless, and I dream of something wild ...I get a little bit helpless, and I'm lying like a child in your arms ...Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time. I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark. We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks. ...Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm only falling apart. There's nothing I can do. ...Once upon a time there was light in my life, but now there's only love in the dark. Nothing I can say. A total eclipse of the heart. " - Bonnie Tyler, "Total Eclipse of the Heart"

Relationships for the past two years have made me feel as if we were just gunpowder waiting to explode. Since I rid myself of them this summer, my mind has been far from relationships while I've been in school these past couple weeks. It's like I've flipped a switch and turned off my heart, so instead my mind could rapidly use the stored energy. I trust God in the darkness, in the singleness, but I'm carefully reassuring that there aren't any lightswitches I'm responsible for flipping back on.

Meeting

As I come to the service, an awkward guilt sits in the distance formed between us.
To avoid being disappointedly expectant, I hide hopes that the sancuary's warmth
Will shatter the ice crystals hanging.
Coming down the aisle, you lead me to a seat.
Anticipation starts rising
As more people start coming
And crowd within this building.
The back doors are closing,
Separating us from Earth,
And absorbing us into better world.


The first guitar strum brings our anticipation to a peak,
Converting it into adrenaline as we stand peering
On the edge of the connection
For which we've both been waiting
And longing
And thirsting.

I sing and my soul is set free.
I breathe.
I breathe a breath
That seems my first successful breath
In decades.

I see your hand reaching
And welcoming
And beckoning.
How long has it stayed there,
Unnoticed?
How much gentle touch...
How much precious time
Have I missed?
I raise my hand.
Our fingers intertwine.
I sense I'm holding your hand,
But you're really holding mine.
My hand is consumed with the unnatural size.
Here,
Right here,
In the gap
Between our palms,
You feel so real.
So unbelievably real.


I had forgotten that you were.

On Waiting Quietly and Being Vulnerable

Here I'll pick up my summary of the book First Samuel, starting back in chapter 3. A boy's mother had dedicated his life to God, though little Samuel was probably too young to understand his call and purpose. Still, his heart was ready to serve at a young age.

One night, Samuel heard a voice awakening him from his sleep and supposed that it was Eli, the high priest with whom he was living. Samuel showed submission to Eli, simply saying "Here I am"(vs. 4, 16 NIV). Eli, however, hadn't said a word to Samuel, so he wisely pointed Samuel to God, thinking it was God's voice who had spoken. When Samuel heard the voice again, he transferred his practiced submission to the Lord with innocence so powerful and the same easy words, "Here I am." When he was convinced that it was Almighty God speaking, Samuel added, "Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening" (vs. 9 NIV).

I long for this same submissiveness and humility in every beat of my heart. I desire the wisdom that Eli shared at the end, though it seems so common sense: "It is the LORD; let Him do what seems good to Him" (vs. 18 NASB). Like Samuel, my heart is more vulnerable when when I am sleepy. At my most exhausted moments, I write and think most uninhibitedly. I have particularly open communication with God just as my head hits the pillow at night, and especially just as my eyes breach open in the morning. Since childhood, I pray about the day before I get out of bed, even if only a breath-long prayer.

This morning, my Bible fell open onto the cafeteria table showing my yellow highlights over Lamentations 3:22-26. I was surprised, as always, at the Lord's small applications, even within the two words "Every morning" and how this passage related to my thoughts of Samuel's openness of communication with the invisible, invincible Yaweh.
"Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."

May the time that my heart is open at the beginning and end of each day stretch to fill every hour.

Positively Positive

In my public speech class, we are learning that in order to remain calm when we are nervous, we are supposed to let positive thoughts fill our minds and push out the negative ones. The books goes even further to say that the ratio should be five positive thoughts for every single negative thought.

I have been an optimist for my entire life. I've been reading William Blake's Songs of Innocence and Songs of Experience which portrays that most children are optimistic, but prolonged difficult circumstances make us hardened to positivity. Tough times have failed to change my mindset for anything but the better. Hard work at Elevation this summer simply enhanced my optimism, mainly because I saw the outcome of optimism. I firmly believe that optimism versus pessimism is all about perspective and attitude.

I have a book called 14,000 Things to Be Happy About, which is simply a lengthy list of nouns covering about 600 pages.
Ex:
no expiration date
Shirley Temple
beach lunches
a caring doctor
serendipitous plans

It seems cheesy at first; however, I am currently finding use in it. I am auditioning for BSU Fusion praise band in 20 minutes. I need five-times the amount of negative thoughts to be turned into positive ones in order to kill the nervous jitters. 14,000 things just might suffice.

Snakes, Snails, and Puppy-Dog Tails

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to take care of little boys, to watch them be rough and tough, then bandage their cuts and kiss their bruises. I simply have compassion and understanding for male children more than females. I love little girls as well, but there is some other, deeper passion within me to be involved in the lives of little boys and to help them grow into godly men. I know it is an odd concept, but I did not create this desire, so the Creator must have placed it within me.

The weirdest thing is not knowing the future. I don't know what God's future plans are for me family-wise. I don't know whom I will marry... and if I marry, then what? Adoption? Foster-parenting? Running a children's home? Kids of my own? If so, how many? But something is sure -- The Father has a purpose for even my tiny hopes.

Many times I have prayed for the Lord to give me at least one boy if He blesses me and my future husband with children. I had never heard anyone else pray for the sex of their baby long before it was even conceived until I read about Hannah in 1 Samuel 1. (I'll be blogging about this book for a while.)This passionate lady begged the Lord so intently that the priest thought she was drunk! (vs. 13). I loved the verse which read "I was pouring out my soul to the Lord" (vs. 15). It's so easy to relate.Bravely, Hannah promised the Lord that if only He would give her a son, she would willingly dedicate the child's entire life to the Lord's service. (vs. 11).
God granted Hannah the son for whom she had begged . She named him "Samuel", which even meant something like "I asked the Lord for him" (vs. 20). She not only was brave and persistent, but she also had a heart-load of wisdom. She knew that Jehovah deserved the credit for everything good, and that anything He gave to her needs to be given right back to His service.

I often ask "Who am I to be so picky and want a boy? Why do I ask years in advance?!" Hannah made me realize that many great women are earnest, sincere, and sometimes fiery. What an amazing woman and dedicated mother. I want to be that dedicated and willing to push my children in the ways of Christ. Hannah said, "The Lord is a God who knows!" (2:3) God knows us and recognizes our unique --sometimes odd --preferences. May my heart be as Hannah's.

New and.... Expected?

"I am making everything new!... Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."
Revelation 21:5

School is BACK! New black ink pens, smooth notebook paper, wiry notebooks and paper clips, funny professors, roomates, and even new dorm decor! I am such a geek!... And proud of it.

Yesterday began my first full week of classes, but only the third week that I’ve been back in SC. With all the transitions, it has been difficult to keep my blog in mind, but the themes God keeps highlighting in my life.

Just before school began, I had minor plastic surgery to slightly straighten my nose. Watching it heal, I realized that very little had changed physically, yet it made a great difference in my facial features.

In the same way, I was so excited about starting this semester because I knew it would be amazing. When I arrived on campus, not very many things had been drastically changed, but still, it made a noticible transformation.

As I contemplated the impact of small alterations, I realized that God works similarly. Sometimes believers make drastic changes in lifestyle, and social areas in order to follow God’s will, such as leaving a secure career to plant a church in another city. Sometimes these faith-trying, earth-shaking changes are necessary to complete the Savior’s willful commands.

It seemed like my life was unique and cliche, yet obvious and unexpected. This may sound like a double oxymoron, but sometimes God just makes the expected explode so enormously that, though it was expected, the extent of it was not!
But often, the change God has in mind is not as elaborate as we expect, yet still better than we ever could have imagined for ourselves.

I've Always Loved Surprises!

It has been a very long, very exhausting day. With moving into my dorm and standing in lines for keys and student IDs, etc. and ofcourse, the same emotional back-of-my-mind struggles I've been trying to overcome for three weeks, my body, mind, soul, and spirit were just praying to stick together for another 24 hours.

And then, a surprise.

NGU hosted Steve Fee in concert tonight.

(For those of you who don't know, over the summer I have come to love Steve Fee's worship music.)

Don't you love it when God surprises you?

Blessed Momentum

For the past two and a half months, I have woken up at 4am every Sunday, driven over half an hour to church, and worked from the time we set up until the time we tore down around two or three that afternoon.

This morning, I woke up at eight o'clock, had spare time to get ready, drove five minutes to church, said hello to the people I hadn't seen in a while, sat in a padded seat for an hour, then drove five minutes back home, in time for lunch.

It seemed like disillusionment. My perspective of the Church had changed so much over the summer that it was difficult to envision what it was like before the revolution. And I didn't want to think about my previous views. I wanted to take what I had learned from Elevation and apply it to every possible area of my life. I took a page of notes from the pastor's sermon this morning, but I took just as many notes on the thoughts running through my mind on how the church in which I sat could be improved. Call it critical, or call it constructive. Either way, my mind is bustling with energetic ideas and new found willingness to make better and accomplish whatever Christ sets before me, and I will take ultimate advantage of that blessed momentum.

Just like I told a friend today online, "Life is SUPPOSED to get better and better as we grow and learn! This part of my life is THAT!"

This Is Punishment

The reminders of yesterday have been so difficult today. I want to pour my feelings into this blog uniquely and to my full potential, but I think it would make me feel worse tonight. So, I'll post more lyrics by other artists, because sometimes my own creativity is too painful to regurgitate to others.




I thought that this was supposed to feel good.
And if you were really mine,
I guess it would.
I didn't fall in love
'Cause it was the right thing to do.
I just went ahead and fell for you....

Truth is your heart was never mine to take
Now I'm stuck in a feeling
That I'll never shake
I prayed for it to go
God knows I want it to stay
But here I am loving you either way.

Oh, somewhere down along the line
I guess that love became a crime
This contradiction makes no sense.
This is punishment.
I feel like this is judgement day
I'll raise my hands, stand up and say
I don't believe I'm innocent
This is punishment.

You'll never feel all the things I can't say
And I'll never know if it's better this way.

-SheDaisy

Crazy Horoscopes

No, I don't put my faith in the stars, but I think that this still perfectly states my views of love. And I know it's cheesy, but my mom found this in the back of one of her romance novels and felt compelled to share, since I am a Libra.

......................................

The setting is perfect for romance. Your eyes sweep across the ballroom sparkling with chandeliers and just-poured champagne. Dialogue swirls around you as effervescent as the setting. You finally spot your handsome, dashing hero talking to the ambassador...



If you're an air sign, this scenario speaks to your romantic heart. Your fantasy may not be as extravagant as fancy dressed balls, but if a prospective hero can't blend with your friends or help you explore new social horizons, then you won't cast him in a lead role.



The social mix does change, however, depending on your sign. Librans fill their guest lists with people from the cultural world. Your element may be air, but that doesn't mean you are "air-headed" when it comes to romance. Just the opposite is true; air signs place the intellect and the world of ideas above all other concerns. Bright and stimulating conversation ranks high on your list of attractive qualities in a man.



Alone with your beloved, good communication is more important than any other demonstrations of affection. Let others sigh deeply and gaze soulfully into their beloved's eyes, or shower them with rose petals. You'd rather be with a hero who can articulate his feelings.



Paradoxically, you are often drawn enigmatic types. This is because your own constantly-active mind loves a puzzle. A potential hero who is a bit complicated intrigues you. You always assume that if you apply your intellect, you can figure him out. And if he can match wits with you, and even top you now and then, you're likely to stay fascinated for life.



If you're like most air romantics, you are far too restless in youth to settle down too quickly. And as much as you need companionship, your standards are very high. You believe in an ideal mate -- which may be hard to come by in imperfect, real life.



But when you stop focusing too much on the ideals of romance, you can fashion the kind of relationship other people envy-- one with excellent communication played out against the backdrop of a glittering social life. Some might say the setting and plot can overshadow the inner workings. That's okay with you-- you're probably already planning your next ball.

A Toast to Friends

I happen to be right about God's incredible talent of filling those gaps that I mentioned in my last blog. I attended several Elevation meetings with the office staff yesterday morning. It was a difficult goodbye followed by a three hour drive home listening to my "Driving" playlist on iTunes, thinking about the lengthy and tiring summer full of intense blessings and cursing discouragements.

Hello hugs from my parents were wonderful, but it was different from every other time that I have come home. I had not been home in over a month, but I had spoken with one of them nearly every day on the cell phone. I had missed them, but I had also been majorly busy, focusing my energy on other emotions and activities. I knew that they were proud of me, the decisions I have been making, and the changes within and without myself, so there was a peace in that distance, making ours a more grown-up homecoming.

Last night, I had my best friends (Paul, Corey, Ben, Neal, Tim, Melissa, and Lauryn) over for a party where we did shots of Coca-Cola and had a singing, guitar/piano-playing extravaganza. We have the best times together. Suddenly I realized how deeply I had missed having unconditional friends. My heart bursts with love for them and several other close friends who weren't present. I pray that they feel how truly I adore them.

Missing people whom I love had become part of my life for the past few months. I had forgotten what it was like to have them right next to me -- feeling their voices instead of merely hearing them through the phone, laughing simply to hear ourselves laugh, smiling with them in silence of good thoughts, praying with them in a happy and real way.

And tonight... this blessing that one might call "once-in-a-lifetime", somehow comes once again, as always, in the most peculiar times and strategic places.

Leaving Monroe

Today was my last full Sunday at Elevation (for a long while, anyways). Tonight is the last night that I will spend in the Dinkins' house. In some ways, I am ready to leave, but in others, I could stay here in Charlotte forever.

No more sleeping on a futon without sheets.
No more carpet. (Neither my home, nor NGU have carpet.)
No more barking dogs.
No more high-cal, high-fat, fast food and non-perishables. Back to my good diet!
No more 30 minute drives to work everyday.
No more random workouts. Back to regular exercise!
No more airconditioning-less nights in a bonus room.

But.....

No more children. College doesn't include juveniles.
No more beautiful Monroe, NC.
No more Levi.
No more bright orange offices.
No more office staff.
No more paychecks.
No more being far from home.
No more having my own room.
No more summer.
No more live Elevation Worship Band.
No more live Pastor Furtick sermons.
No more smiling Elevation volunteer faces.

My heart knows that God is not a God of gaps. He will fill the areas I leave in Charlotte with something better that He has prepared me for throught this experience. It has been priceless, to an extent that I cannot yet comprehend, therefore will elaborate upon at a later time. For now, however, I must pack the remnants of memories and photographs, mix them with personal necessities, and drag them with my heart on a three hour drive back home.

The Repercussions of Media

When I first began this blog, I intended it to be a place that I could type out my thoughts and have some accountability to encourage me to keep writing. Now, however, I feel as if I give my readers a picture of an emotional reject. I write on the lowest and highest points of my everyday life. I am sorry if you are getting this image of me. I am not that extreme in person. Get to know me outside of this emotion-type blog. It's only my release.

Up-swing : Tonight was fabulous. It was the first night of Elevation's Summer Blast. It was the night we'd all been waiting for, praying for, and preparing for. And it was marvelous. The kids were so pumped about the entire thing. I have found out how much I adore children in this Charlotte experience... how fun it is to see their faces light up. It makes me wonder if I'll have my own children, or if I'll be involved in children's ministry.

Down-swing : I wanted to share that moment with someone ... someone whom I couldn't anymore.
On the first day, I avoided the radio altogether, driving in silence. But I realized my addiction to music and that silence only made me think deeper. Then, I tried listening to songs that made my heart dwell on other things. That playlist is very short. I would switch radio stations and skip songs on iTunes until I found something that was uplifting. Then I realized that I was listening to the same songs over and over. So I sat myself down in the locker room and pep-talked myself into thinking I was ready for whatever live-radio had to throw at me. Here's what happens when you let media shuffle it's way into your thoughts...

"Someday I will find a love that flows through me like this, and this will fall away. I'm a loser."
And for a second, I wonder if it's true.

"Beautiful Girl... you'll have me suicidal... when you say 'it's over'."
And I pray for his heart.

"I'd rather live in his world than live without him in mine."
And I wonder if I should just take the train straight to his home town.

"I'm so glad for someone like you I can come home to"
And I ask myself why I gave that up.

"You have a way of coming easily to me; and when you take, you take the very best of me.... What a shame. What a rainy ending given to a perfect day. ... And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through, I've never been anywhere cold as you."
And I worry about him.

"No one ever tells you that forever feels like home sitting all alone inside your head. How do you feel?... How much is real? So much to question."
And I go home in a different way.




Credits: "Loser" -3 Doors Down. "Beautiful Girls" - Sean Kingston. "Midnight Train to Georgia" - Gladys Knight. "Tuesday Night" - Adam Hood (who would be amazing in concert with Corey Smith... gah, the little things that make me think). "Cold As You" -Taylor Swift. "Through the Glass" -Stone Sour.