Shipwrecked Tonight

For over a year this relationship has grown -- starting with simple get-to-know-each-other games, and progressing to deeper-soul conversations.

Then it ended.

It certainly wasn't ended because of boring discussions. Part of the problem could have been that the discussions were getting too intense. I liked it. And it scared me.

Let's take that thought and run with it.

Fear. I was afraid of not knowing how serious our relationship should be. I was afraid of confusion between love of a man and love of God. I was afraid to be blinded. I ended a relationship with a human, not because I thought it would come between my Savior and me... (no, that would take much stronger forces) but because I felt the relationship would take the place of God's original will for my life.

Fear. I don't want to be one of those people who turn away good love, and never find it again. But I don't want to settle. I want a relationship that does not rely on electronic devices (cell phones and computers) as mediums for survival. I want (and possibly deserve) something real. Something present.

I have never cut off a relationship. I hate this feeling. I feel so stupidly smart, so intelligently ignorant. I don't know anymore what was wrong or right about it. I was so sure when I told him goodbye, but since then I have picked up my cell phone many times wishing I hadn't deleted his number and resisting the urge to recall it. I have typed his screenname into my buddylist, only to delete it and close the box before I went back on my decision. That entire day was excruciating. I'm still aching, pacing the stairwell, refusing to wipe the tears in denial of their existence, hoping my stomach settles, praying that, if he really isn't God's will for me, I will heal. And if we were supposed to be together, that God will correct this era in my life for His glory. Five days down... and the rest of our lives to go.

I wrote a song and a poem today. It's in blurbs right now. I don't think I have the strength to share it all, but I will type pieces.

(Poem)
I always followed my heart
But it was a rocking ship;
Being blown apart
By chaotic emotions
That must have been lying
With all the opposite notions.
I'm a shipwreck
Rocked extreme to extreme
Plunged into the deep
Of my current catastrophe.
Are you a shipwreck, too?
Do you want to swim back to shore
Where you won't miss me anymore.
Does your stomach ache with hunger pangs?
And your eyes pour more tears the lower the sun hangs?
Are you quieted by bustling thoughts
That are murky in your mind
But opaque in your heart.
I beg never to know
How you might feel
We were forced apart
Please, love me not
Though I love you still.

(Song)
Show me how to heal
Show me how to deal
With this shipwreck
Teach me not to love
Just to give you up
Because I'm going down
With this shipwreck.


How close two beings can grow to be simply amazes me. Tonight, my heart is throbbing for another. I have been an emotional shipwreck all week, particularly today, because I wasn't distracted by work. And I know that he would be off today, too. Does he have too much free time, as well? God, bless his soul. Comfort him. ... Comfort me.