What Might Have Been

I watched "In Love and War" tonight and remembered the desire I once had to be a military nurse. I told a friend of mine that today, and he laughed. I was initially offended that he would take my dream so lightly, then I realized the hilarity of it as well. Don't misunderstand me, I certainly enjoy certain aspects that nursing would involve -- courage in difficult situations, discernment, memorization, and in particular, babying people who are in pain. But God knew better. He knew that He had placed other passions in my soul that would have been pushed aside if I were to pursue a nursing career. Thinking back on it, David was right to laugh. Times have changed. I would not have been in a white dress and cap with World War I surroundings. Instead, I would have been training for sandy middle eastern climates and training with the boys like I was one of them until I was prepared to treat wounds made by modern artillery.

Nevertheless, the entire movie spins around what might have been, and so have my thoughts since viewing it. (Warning: SPOILER. Don't read if you plan to watch the movie.) It's a true story about Ernest Hemingway's (Chris O'Donnell's) life. He and Aggie (Sandra Bullock) fall into young love, but distance separates them for several months. Aggie is wooed by an Italian man and becomes engaged to him, thus breaking the engagement with Ernie. However, Aggie cannot keep her love-struck mind from thoughts of Ernie back in the states. She leaves Italian Mr. Right-Now, and runs to American Mr. Right. But, instead of taking her back into his arms, he turns his back to her, literally (many scenes of the back of Chris O'Donnell's head) and metaphorically. The story ends in such a way that I feel I should pay a psychiatrist to cure my depression. Ernie and Aggie never see each other again, and Ernie marries four times (!) before he commits suicide.

And of course, I wondered about my own life again, since this movie holds many parallels that I am not yet comfortable detailing on the world wide web. (Ask me in person if you'd like to know.) And I keep wondering what might have been? What if Aggie hadn't broken off the engagement? What if Hemingway's had forgiven her? What if I had....

Larry Brey, Elevation's Assimilation Pastor, shared an analogy with me the other day. He said that all of life is like the driver's seat. How dangerous would it be to spend our time staring through a tiny rear view mirror into the past, when there is a clear, large windshield of flying colors ahead. It's okay to look back sometimes, but we have to see forward -- the present and future -- far more than the past, or we'll run straight into trouble.

I discussed a major relationship in my past with my aunt last weekend on my visit to her hometown, and concluded inside myself as I spoke to her, "I thought I would marry him. I thought he was God's will, and I even prayed for that. I am so glad that God chose not to give me what I asked for." And she said, "Wow, that means you really have grown up." Though the what ifs of the past are still in my mind at times, about my relationships with guys, my feelings for them, career/educational choices, and lost or gained friendships, I'm finding that maturity is developed, not only in making good decisions today, but also in having peace with the decisions that are already made... even if it's choosing English over nursing.